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Scene I: Shanghai
A mailman arrives in the docks in Shanghai and holds up a box with a picture of a Chinese arch on it. He drops it off and leaves. As soon as he's gone, a laser cuts through the box in the shape of a penguin- Skipper. He exits, twirls the laser pointer and turns on a Bluetooth headset.
Skipper: Skipper's log. Unbeknownst to my men, I have arrived in Shanghai on a super secret solo mission.
Skipper leaps in the air, spins, bounces of a wall and lands behind a crate.
Skipper: It's nice. (lifts his flipper) A little humid...
He jumps up, swings from a lantern and lands on a big crate.
Skipper: Intelligent sources put a shipment of weaponized soup dumplings on this dock. (kicks the crate open and jumps in front of it) The dim sum of all fears...
Skipper slowly waddles towards the box, looking around suspiciously. Hans pops up from inside.
Hans: There is no dim sum, dumdum!
Skipper: (jumps back) Hans!
Hans: Skipper, my old frienemy.
Skipper: But you were in--
Hans: You think Hoboken can hold Hans the Puffin?!
Skipper: Well, I... hoped. So this was--
Hans interrupts and intends to fight.
Hans: A trap! Let's say we settle this with... mackerel!
Hans takes out a fish from his back and points it at Skipper.
Skipper: Let's not!
Skipper takes out the laser pointer and slices Hans' mackerel's head off like a light-saber. Hans watches sadly as its head slides off.
Hans: What was that?! We always fish fight! You could put an eye out with that thing!
Skipper: We were in a rut. I don't wanna be in a rut with you, Hans.
Hans: You hurt with your words, Skipper, so I will hurt with my feet!
Hans slides and kicks Skipper, causing him to fall and drop the laser, which slices part of the arch. Skipper picks it up and jumps back.
He lifts the pointer in the air, accidentally slicing the arch again, and this time, it falls apart on top of him. Skipper crawls out from under the debris as Hans walks up to him, laser in his wing.
Hans: You're right, Skipper, old chum. This does beat the fish!
Skipper: Now, Hans, take it easy...
Skipper jumps out of the way as Hans attacks blindly, and swings off a fire escape, lands on a sign, runs on a wall and hangs on a lantern.
Chinese My Car Guy: Wǒ de che!! (translation: "My Car!")
Hans slices the lantern string and Skipper swings over to him, kicking the laser pointer off his wing and catches it. He slingshots himself over to the dock and activates the laser. Hans slowly walks up to him, smiling evilly.
Skipper: Why the puzzling half-smile that suggests you know something that I do not?
Hans: How do you really think I got out of Hoboken, Skipper?
Skipper: Work release program?
Hans: I had help from someone you know!
Skipper falls back as a giant dome erupts from underneath the dock. He frowns as a hatch opens, releasing smoke while laughter echoes from inside and amidst the smoke and shadows reveals none other than Dr. Blowhole!
Dr. Blowhole: Pen-gyu-in!
Dr. Blowhole: Was that an entrance or what? Not that you'll remember it, thanks to my,... (presses a button)
Deep Voice: Mind Jacker.
The Mind Jacker, creepily shaped like a clown's head, emerges from inside the control panel on Blowhole's Segway and fires a beam at Skipper's head, sucking up his memories. Skipper grows obtuse as his memories are taken from him and stuffed in a balloon-shaped containment unit in the Mind Jacker.
Dr. Blowhole: And now, you will forget everything. Most importantly,
Skipper, dizzy, falls off the dock and into the water.
Dr. Blowhole: How to swim!
Blowhole laughs as Skipper slowly falls into the waters below.
Scene II: The Zoo/Chimpanzee Habitat
Alice is walking around with a school group following her past the chimpanzee habitat.
Alice: Chimpanzees. If they show their teeth, that's not a smile, it means they wanna eat you.
One boy stops over and stares at the two chimpanzees. In response, Phil and Mason grin at the boy. The boy screams and flees, believing Alice's lie. As soon as he leaves, the two take out a chess board and a wooden sculpture of a chimp. Mason plays chess with Phil using his feet as he begins carving the sculpture.
Mason: Honestly, how that woman stays employed is a mystery worthy of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Scene III: The Zoo/Reptile House
Alice and the schoolkids are standing in front of an empty habitat.
Kid: (groans) Why are we here?
Alice: Because your teachers have nervous breakdowns if they don't get away from you once in a while.
They leave as the chameleons reappear inside the previously empty habitat. Two are seated on a rock as nine are hanging from a branch. The two chameleons quickly snap at the others with their tongues, playing an awkward version of tic-tac-toe. The winning chameleon pushes the loser off the rock.
Scene IV: The Zoo/Otter Habitat + Penguin Habitat
Alice and the schoolkids move up to Marlene's Habitat.
Marlene: (stretches) Last school group of the day. Gotta make it count.
Clock Tower Rings, and the bus arrives.
Alice: Bus time! Let's move it!
Just as the group leaves, Marlene does her trick.
Marlene: Hey, I practiced that you know. A little appreciation goes ov- huh?
The fish bowl at the Penguin Habitat shakes.
Alice: Come on, come on, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
Marlene: Oh my gosh! (jumps on top of Alice's head)
Alice: (her eyes are covered by Marlene) Gaah! What are you doing?!
The kids graciously take pictures of the scene.
Marlene: You don't see anything-
Penguin Habitat explodes. Marlene goes away.
Kid: I'm totally putting that on the internet.
Scene V: Penguin HQ
The penguins are seen cleaning the mess from the explosion earlier.
Marlene: You soooooo owe me.
Kowalski:Thank you for taking in Alice for us. It- seems my new experimental power cell uh-
Marlene: (slyly) Blew up like all of your other experiments?
KowalskiThat was merely a discharge of access energy during assembly. (pulls up power cell) I assure you the power cell itself is still intact.
Marlene: All I know is Skipper is gonna be- Hey, where is he?
Rico: He's in there.
Rico makes snore sounds to tell the Skipper's sleeping.
Marlene: (goes over to Skipper's bed to pull up the covers) Since when does Skipper take naps?
In the sheet there was actually a fake modeled penguin inside.
Kowalski: Yeah, uh, we meant to tell you, but we... know how you get.
Rico sucks his flipper scared on his bed.
Kowalski: Yeah, like that.
Private: He's off on a top secret mission!
Kowalski: cough* Zip it *cough.
Marlene: Okay, I get it. So it's all, need to know, and tippy top secret, and if you told me, you'd have to (imitates kill sound) me...
Kowalski: Correct, correct, and you know it, lady.
Private: Because we don't even know where he-(cuts off by Kowalski almost hitting him)
Marlene: Really? But, aren't you guys, like, I dunno a team?
Rico: Uh huh. (still sucking his flipper)
Kowalski: But on the rarest of occasions there are missions that require that Skipper to go solo.
Private: And when he goes to the potty.
Kowalski: (pulls out Skipper's alias profile) He adopts one of his many undercover identities--
Private: Except when it's the potty. Oof- (Kowalski "really" slaps him this time)
Kowalski: And then he just vanishes! To parts unknown. Duration unknown. To do... (gets close to Marlene's face) UNKNOWN.
Marlene: (grabs and moves Kowalski's beak) It's just no matter how much I think I know about you guys, haven't even scratched the weird surface. Okay. So he just takes off, right. Doesn't tell you where he's going, or what he's doing, and you aren't worried?
Kowalski: There are few constants in this crazy world of ours, Marlene. But there is one certainty on which we can always rely... (scene changes to an island) Skipper can take care of himself.
Scene VI: Island
After Kowalski said his line, it shows Skipper being washed up to the shores. He looks around.
Skipper: Where am I? (looks at himself) Who am I?
Scene VII: Underwater/Dr. Blowhole's base
Dr. Blowhole: (dolphin laugh) Ha ha ha ha Haaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha! How I have longed for this day to see my arch-foe totally poed. I mean, did you see how he crumbled like- um, like- (to one of his lobster henchmen) Red one, what's something that crumples?
Crab #1: Uhh, newspaper.
Dr. Blowhole: (annoyed) Of course newspaper. I was looking for something more... violent.
Crab #1: The sport section, maybe?
Dr. Blowhole: (frustrated) Ugh. Let's just say there was much crumpling. Thanks to my- (presses button)
Deep Voice: MIND JACKER.
Dr. Blowhole pushes the Mind Jacker back in. He then presses a button and turns to a storage unit which contains all of Skipper's memories. He then turns a knob to hear his memories.
Skipper's Mind: Kowalski, options!
You're always chasing rainbows, Private!
Smile and wave, boys.
Trust me, Manfredi. What could go wrong?
Dr. Blowhole: Skipper's thoughts. Pen-gyu-win secrets. All mine.
Crab #2: The penguins have an thermonuclear fusion reactor core. Let's see. One meter east of their command center.
Crab #3: Gotcha.
Crab #2: They got a variety of intruder defense systems in place. And... Wow! Kowalski keeps his truth serum in a hot sauce bottle.
Dr. Blowhole: Kowalski. You sly dog.
Crab #2: Oh wait, I'm getting more details on the network of underground tunnels. Dr. Blowhole: Soon I will have all the data I need to plan my assault on the pen-gyu-win HQ. And there will be no Skipper to stop me.
Hans: (holding his iPod) Excuse me!
Dr. Blowhole: What?
Hans: Dr. Mammal-fish, do you have the Wi-Fi in this place?
Dr. Blowhole: (trying to keep his patience) I'm scheming here!
Hans: I've been locked up in Hoboken a long time, I want to check my email!
Dr. Blowhole: Eeergh!
Dr. Blowhole readies up the Mind Jacker.
Scene VIII: Lemur Habitat, Night Time
King Julien plays Thump Thump on his music player.
Julien: Everybody get up and jump when the beat go Thump Thump Thump. Yeah. This is how we do it now with a thump thump thump. (scatting)
Maurice is sleeping, happily and Mort comes up.
Mort: Ohhh, the king is in his own little world. (his eyes widen when he stares at Julien's feet) But the feet are in my little world!
Later, a beeping sound is heard, showing that the battery is dead and Julien sees Mort hugging his feet.
Mort: Hello! Welcome back! Ahhhh! (get kicked off by Julien)
Julien: Maurice! (Maurice wakes up) My music box from the lost and found has lost its sound!
Julien hands Maurice the music player. He looks at it briefly and hands it back.
Maurice: Dead battery.
Julien: But batteries cannot die! My boomy box batteries never died!
Maurice: Yeah well I kinda replace them while you were sleeping.
Julien: Eh no!
Julien hands the music player to Maurice and runs to his boom box. He flips it over and takes off the back while pointing out the four batteries.
Julien: Billy, Bobby, Betty, and Bernie are still there!
Maurice: That's their, uh, grandchildren!
Julien snatches the music player from Maurice and takes the orange battery from the front.
Julien: Oh. But what about this one? The battery that has failed me. I shall name him Baxter! Baxter, you are a traitor! Don't you know who I am?!
Maurice: Your majesty, I recommend recycling at dawn.
Julien: Yes recycling at dawn. A most fitting fate. Mort, come here and guard the prisoner.
Mort scampers over and grabs the battery.
Mort: (upset) Ok. My special foot time was ruined because of you, Dead Baxter!
Scene IX: Island
Skipper: And how did I get here? And when's the last time I ate? And am I currently on any medications?
Unknown to Skipper yet, a hallucination begins appearing in the form of Buck Rockgut behind him.
Buck: Listen up, cupcake!
Skipper: Is that my name?
Buck: What? No! I was insulting you by referring to you as something soft and sweet.
Skipper: Ooh, that sounds yummy. Do you have one?
Buck: (slaps Skipper) Forget the cupcake! I'm Special Agent Buck Rockgut. And you are Skipper!
Skipper: Oh, ok. Now is that a name, or an insult?
Buck: Name! But an insult is coming up fast. (grabs Skipper) Here's the deal! All the vital intel in your think-melon has been swiped.
Skipper: So my name is Skipper... how come I don't remember that?
Buck: Your brain has been tapped. It ain't rocket science.
Skipper: No, that sounds more like brain science.
Buck: Affirmative. (puts a flashlight close to his face) EVIL brain science!
Skipper: How'd you get here?
Buck: I'm not! Your sweet friends brought me up to get you to this. (he starts to disappear)
Skipper: So... I'm doing this with my mind.
Buck: Yep. And it looks like your noggin is making a last-minute substitution.
Buck disappears and is shortly replaced by a snow monkey, General Shinji.
Skipper: Whoa whoa, what happened to Buck?
Shinji: I am General Shinji. Long did you study my theories of military strategy. It is my great honor to be your hallucination.
Skipper: And I am hallucinating why?
Shinji: Something deep within your subconscious has determined that you need a spirit guide.
Skipper: A spirit what?
Shinji: To survive this, you need guidance.
Skipper: Uhhh... I do?
Shinji: A vision of someone you respect, someone with wisdom to share, someone who can lead you home.
Shinji now starts to disappear
Shinji: And apparently, that someone is not me.
Skipper: Snow monkey?
Shinji has now completely vanished
Skipper: Oh, come on! Snow monkey was barely here!
Scene X: Dr. Blowhole's base
A crab in the base is reading a newspaper. Dr. Blowhole hears a ringing sound, and notices the crab picking up his cellphone.
Dr. Blowhole: Was I not crystal clear? What part of "Put your phones on vibrate" do you not understand?
The crab tosses away his phone and his paper. Turning around, he sees a red alarm on his computer screen.
Crab #1: Uhh, Doc? Maybe you want to look at this? I think it's the "Your archenemy survived" alarm.
Dr. Blowhole presses a button, bringing up the Mind Jacker
Deep Voice: NO WAY!
Scene XI: Island
Alex the lion appears as Skipper's new hallucination!
Skipper: Ohh, here we go again.
Alex: It's showtime!
Alex looks at Skipper in expectation, but Skipper simply looks around.
Alex: Come on, Skipper, you don't remember me?
Skipper: My head is as fuzzy on the inside as yours is on the outside. I don't remember much of anything.
Alex: And that's why I'm here! Come on! Let's go, let's do this! Alright? Baby steps, okay? You with me? What's my name?
Skipper pauses, having no idea how to answer
Alex: Say my name! Come on, say my name! Say it! Say it!
Skipper: Uh, you're what, a cat?
Alex: Yeah... Big cat, technically. But, good start!
Skipper: I want to say...Boots. Mittens. (Alex shakes his head) Scooter? Fluffy! Duster! Buster! Pea-ches... It's Peaches, right?
Alex is frustrated that Skipper just doesn't remember
Alex: ALEX? Alex the lion? You know, "ROAR!" We used to be neighbors. Then a lot of crazy stuff happened and... well... spirit guide!
Long pause, Skipper just stands completely still
Alex: (In a whisper) This is where you applaud
Skipper claps very slowly.
Scene XII: Dr. Blowhole's base
A lobster looks on the screen that is beeping. Blowhole goes to him.
Dr. Blowhole: Anything?
Lobster #2: I've got a lock-in on him.
Dr. Blowhole: Fire the archenemy-seeking missile!
The lobster turns a key and the the keyboard splits open to reveal a button which the lobster presses it.
Scene XIII: Island
Skipper: (annoyed, still clapping) Can I stop now?
Alex: (stops dancing) Oh! Yeah. Right. (laughs) So anyway, I'm here to help you be you again! Old school spirit guide stuff. Come on, let's do this! just you, me, and that... missile. (The missile is seen aiming towards Skipper)
Scene XIV: Missile Computer/Island
Skipper: So, that was pretty weird.
Alex: Not really...that kind of thing happens to you all the time.
Skipper: Whoa, whoa! I don't think so. I'm just a penguin!
Alex: A penguin with enemies! Armed and dangerous-type enemies!
Skipper: Oh, come on! Everyone loves a penguin, right? We're both cute and cuddly! (You then hear and see the missile coming towards him.) YOU DON'T BLOW UP CUTE AND CUDDLY!
Alex: OK, follow my lead! Flick kick! (he jumps and spins and Skipper does the same.) Axel turn! (he spins across the sand. So does Skipper.) Hip walk! (he and Skipper skate across the sand.) Coffee grinder! (the duo breakdance. Each time they do one of these moves, the missile dodges them.)
Scene XV: Dr. Blowhole's base
One of the lobsters watches Skipper evade the missile on a screen. Dr. Blowhole is with him.
Dr. Blowhole: How is he doing that? (he moves his Segway to a bigger screen where Skipper is evading the missile.)
Skipper (on screen): Plie squat, what?
Dr. Blowhole: And who is he talking to?
Scene XVI: Island
Skipper is backflipping across some rocks, evading the missile along the way. On the last rock, he jumps off and strikes a pose.
Alex (in the same pose as Skipper): Way to stick the landing! You were born to dance! Skipper comes out of his pose.
Skipper: You mean like a pretty little ballerina?
Alex: You know, you are surprisingly light on those little webbed toes! Skipper looks at his feet. Not unlike a pretty little ballerina!
Skipper realises he made a big mistake.
Skipper: NOOOOO! The missile heads towards Skipper. Alex gets out the way and Skipper ducks, letting the missile hit the rocks he backflipped on earlier.
Scene XVII: Dr. Blowhole's base
On his screen, the lobster from earlier watches the missile impact the rocks. "IMPACT" flashes on the screen.
Dr. Blowhole: Wait! Rewind a little! The lobster by him presses a key on his keyboard and you hear a rewinding sound.
Skipper's voice (on screen): Hans!
Dr. Blowhole: Too far back, fast forward it. The lobster presses keys continuously, trying to fast forward it.
Dr. Blowhole's voice (on screen): Wait! Rewind a little!
Dr. Blowhole: Too forward! The lobster presses another key on his keyboard.
Skipper's voice (on screen): NOOOOO!
Dr. Blowhole: Th-th-th-that's it! Freeze it!
Lobster #3: You want me to freeze sound, Doc?
Dr. Blowhole: That is definitely the scream of an arch-enemy...Who has met his doom! (he laughs.)
Lobster #3: I mean, I can freeze picture, but sound exists in a continuum.
Dr. Blowhole: I get it, whatever! He goes off on his Segway.
Lobster #3: It's just that you asked me to do the impossible, and, uh, not the first time, I might add.
Dr. Blowhole leans into the lobster, looking rather fierce.
Dr. Blowhole: You know that big pot of water in the back that I keep at a steady, slow boil, next to the movie butter?
Lobster #3 (scared): Sound is frozen!
Dr. Blowhole: See? Freezing sound, destroying Skipper...Here at my evil organization we do the impossible every day. A lobster is sipping coffee and is so scared when Dr. Blowhole leans into him that he nearly drops his mug. Another lobster is writing with a pencil and gets scared when Dr. Blowhole leans into him, but is a little brave when he holds onto his pencil. With the right attitude, some teamwork, and a constant, overwhelming fear of my wrath... He can now be seen on the map. We...can do...anything!
Lobster #4: Yes! None of the other lobsters join in with him.
Lobster #5: Dude! Wicked awkward! him and Lobster #4 get back to work.
Scene XVIII: Island
Alex rubs his cheek.
Alex: You know, if I wasn’t imaginary, that slap would have really hurt!
Skipper: I am not a ballerina! This is not a dancer’s body! (He lifts his tummy and lets go of it.) My body is, uh, is, uh, a living weapon…? What the heck kinda penguin am I?
Alex: Psychotic. Which ordinarily would be problem… but hey! That’s you! That’s Skipper! Leader of team Psycho!
Skipper: Are you on my team?
Alex: Uh, no. I have, like, my own team. Uh, team Alex. The larger mammals mainly, but you have your guys!
Skipper: Right! It’s all coming back to me! Manfreedi! And Johnson! I can’t wait to see those knuckleheads!
Alex: Uh, yeah. Not them, uh, so much… but it’s a good team! A solid team! Your team! Hoo AH! (Alex slams his clenched paw in his other flat paw.)
Skipper: And… this team of mine does… what?
Alex: Missions! Secret missions! Need to know, hush, hush commando stuff! Hoo, ha, ha!
Skipper: Hm. Does sound discourse psychotic…
Alex: Well… some might say that. And by some, I mean me. I say that. All the time.
Skipper: So, if someone attacked me—
Alex: —then your guys are next! (Whispers to Skipper) We’re talking danger here! (Draws Kowalski, Rico and Private on the sand.) They need you!
Skipper: (Blinks) Really? If you say so. (Alex glares at him.) OKAY, okay! Then I have got to get home. (Heads off to grab some logs.)
Alex: Good! Yes! Sounds like a plan! You’re the man with the plan! The… penguin man… with the… (Skipper drags two logs onto the sand.)
Skipper: Build a raft…
Alex: Yes! Do that! Hm! Turns out I’m a great spirit guide! Add that to the résumé. (He sighs) Good to have a fall back if the zoo thing goes south.
Skipper: South, right! And once the construction of the A-4 Mission Raft is complete (Ties a vine onto the two logs.), I set sail for home: Antarctica.
Alex: Right! Wait… WHAT?
Scene XIX: Dr. Blowhole's base
Lobster: Doc! Where are ya’? (Talks into intercom,) Paging Dr. Blowhole. Dr. Blowhole, please report to attack planning—
The door, behind him, slides open. Dr. Blowhole enters.
Lobster: —Who’s over there?!
Dr. Blowhole: Attack planning will have to wait.
They enter a new room.
Dr. Blowhole: I need to pop my mutation development….
He circles the bunny in a cage, which is in the center of the room.
Dr. Blowhole: Can’t you imagine an animal more sweet and innocent than a bunny?
The bunny licks it’s paws and neatens it’s ears.
Lobster: But, Doc! The analysis of Penguin H.Q is almost wrapped up! They really need you to plan this attack!
Dr. Blowhole: Red One. To have an attack, one needs a weapon… like the…
Deep Voice: Diabolagizer.
The weapon appears and zaps the bunny in a purple light. The bunny grows big, and ugly. It growls at the nearby lobster and bats it to the side.
Dr. Blowhole: Yes! The…
Deep Voice: … Mind Jack—Diabolagizer.
Dr. Blowhole: …Works beyond my wildest expectations!
The lobster tries to crawl back into the middle of the room, but is dragged back into the dark.
Lobster: Wha…? AH!
Another growl is heard.
Dr. Blowhole: One blast with this ray, shall transform Kowalski, Rico and Private, into monstrously, evil creatures of destruction! (Laughs)
The shadow of the transformed bunny jumps about in the dark, chasing supposedly the lobster.
Scene XX: Zoovenir Shop
END OF ARTICLE