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The Hoboken Surprise Titlecard

Scene I: Zoo Storage

Pictures of a ship are shown on a box with the title Commodore Danger. The box is put down, revealing a rather mediocre-looking ship which Rico is still trying to assemble.

Kowalski: (disappointed) It looked a lot more exciting on the box.

Kowalski throws the box aside, upset.

Skipper: It always does, Kowalski. Alright now, summer vacation status report.
Private: Cargo loaded Skipper! We're set for a full week's fishing in the Massachusetts coast!
Skipper: Outstanding! I'm dying to tango with their mysterious caped cod. Ha!

Skipper lunges the fishing rod. Rico licks the last piece of the ship and sticks it on the bottom.

Rico: Rock n' roll!
Skipper: Let's float this bucket. Kowalski, how's our cover?

Kowalski presses a button the remote, activating a hologram projector disguised as a fish, creating a projection of them doing their usual smile-and-wave routine.

Kowalski: Classic smiling and waving with a holographic twist!

Scene II: Penguin Habitat

Mort passes by the penguin habitat and, seeing the penguins smiling and waving, waves back.

Mort: Hi!

About to leave, he notices that the holograms are still smiling and waving.

Mort: Hi, hello! Yes it is still me waving to you! My arm is getting hurty!

The camera slowly pans over to the sky showing the words "The Hoboken Surprise". Which starts the vacation of the penguins. The scene fades to show...

Scene III: Massachusetts Coast

The scene appears on the Massachusetts Coast, on the vessel boarded by the penguins. Kowalski looks over a telescope, viewing the coast while Skipper pilots the ship and Private and Rico play a game of chess.

Kowalski: 3 hours of smooth sailing to Nantucket Sound, Skipper.

Skipper takes a good whiff of the fresh air.

Skipper: Take it in boys. That's the salty air of sweet freedom. There are no rules on the open water.
Rico: Oh yeah?
Private: AH!

Rico regurgitates a crowbar and repeatedly smashes the chess pieces before regurgitating out a flamethrower and burning up Private's side of the board. Satisfied, he rests the flamethrower on his shoulder and smiles.

Rico: Checkmate!
Private: (worriedly) Skipper?
Skipper: Open water, Private. You know, legally, he could sell pirates for whale oil in a barrel of nutmeg.

Rico pulls out a hacksaw from behind his back and stares at it in awe. Behind them, a dark cloud grows.

Private: No! I mean "Skipper?!"

Private points to the darkening sky behind them as Kowalski turns around and jumps up in shock.

Kowalski: Egad!! The weather's started getting rough!

Thunder and lightning appear.

Private: Our tiny ship will be tossed!
Skipper: Hold fast! It's barely a three hour tour from here! A three hour tour!

Thunder gets louder as Kowalski, Rico and Private start to panic.

Skipper: Hoist the mainsail!

Screaming, Private quickly does as he was told.

Skipper: Or is it cut the mainsail? Let's see, when the weather's turning moist, always cut, never hoist. (realizing his mistake) Uh...

The waves of the water gets stronger and lighting strikes above them, turning their ship around, the penguins begin to panic as their ship spins out of control. Rico is hit in the face by a bottle of sunblock, a fish (which he promptly eats) and a duck.

Rico: Oh, come on!

The rough weather clears out and the sky brightens.

Private: There, you see? The sun always comes out after--

The penguins soon realize they're high up in the sky, and immediately fall. They panic as they quickly fall down with their ship except Rico, who is having a blast.

Scene IV: Hoboken

They land in the middle of a road, dizzy as their tiny ship knocks out a civilian in the background.

Guy in a Car: Holy cow! You see that! Penguins falling out of the sky over here.
Kowalski: Oh!
Skipper: Ugh! Well boys, looks like we're starting this vacation back from Square One.
Lady: They look pretty rough. Somebody oughta get 'em back to the zoo!
Guy in a Car: What, are you crazy? I ain't drivin' all the way to Manhattan!

The lady walks up to the taxi.

Lady: Who said anything about Manhattan? We got a zoo right here in Hoboken.

She points behind her as the penguins look up in shock. They see a billboard saying 'If it ain't Hoboken, Fix it!' and another billboard blows up while a guy runs across the street holding a TV.

Skipper: No!!!

The guy in the car puts a crate on them, trapping them.

Scene V: Penguin Habitat

The penguin holograms are still waving to an exhausted Mort.

Mort: (tiredly) Hola, aloha, kon'nichiwa...

Mort falls over in exhaustion. Julien comes out of nowhere, and glare at Mort angrily.

Julien: Mort, you lazy! How dare you bow down to something that is not me!
Mort: (still tired) The...penguins...
Julien: (sarcastically) Oh, the penguins! Why flappity-flappity fah-fah-fah! What is so special about...?!

Julien cuts himself off when he notices the penguin holograms waving to them.

Julien: Oh hello. Heh, howdy. Ah yes, it is still me, waving to you! With both hands!

Maurice who was standing around, walks through the holograms.

Maurice: Uh, your majesty.

Maurice turns off the projector, and the penguin holograms disappear. Julien gasps.

Julien: Something unspeakable must have become of the penguins!

Julien pauses for awhile and realizes something.

Julien: Oh. Squaddle party!

Scene VI: Penguin HQ

Maurice is hanging up lanterns while Mort bounces around on a bazooka.

Mort: Yeehaw! I'm a bazooka cowboy!

The bazooka explodes, and Mort disappears, leaving a gaping hole in the HQ. Julien comes into view with his arm around Ms. Perky.

Julien: (flirtatiously) I'm just saying, you don't have to be lonely.

Scene VII: Crate

The four penguins are seen in a crate, shivering. Rico hacks up a glow stick, and snaps it to get it to glow. It makes a weird sound, as it glows blue, and he places it in the center of the crate. Kowalski shudders.

Kowalski: Hoboken. The New Jersey nightmare comes true at last.
Skipper: Remember boys, penguins go down fighting. Even if we lose one of our own! I'm betting Private.
Private: Me too.

The crate shifts around, which makes Kowalski and Rico slam into Skipper and Private.

Private: I'm scared Skipper.
Skipper: Use that fear Private. Choke it down, make it into a tiny hate ball in your gut! Now show me your war face!

Private screams, and tries to make a scary face. Kowalski and Rico get up and start yelling.

Skipper: Hoboken!

Scene VIII: Hoboken Zoo

The crate opens, and the guys stop screaming from shock. Hoboken is completely and utterly...clean. It shows a golden gate, and a fountain with golden seals spouting water. It turns to a couple of trees, and you can hear laughter.

Private: What was that?

Rico regurgitates a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse and as he's about to throw it, someone takes it.

Rico: Whoa!

Skipper, Private, and Rico jump away from the crate, while Kowalski goes back in hiding from whoever took the dynamite. As they roll away, it shows that it's Lulu.

Private: Lulu?

Kowalski pops his head up from the crate.

Kowalski: Phil's old simian flame?

Lulu blows out the fuse.

Lulu: It's alright everyone, you can come out now!

It flashes over to show Hans, Skipper's enemy, comes out from behind a fancy plant pot.

Kowalski: Hans?

Savio, whom they met twice, comes slithering down around a tree and faces them.

Kowalski: Savio?

Clemson, who almost replaced Maurice as Julien's right hand man, comes down from the sky, with Rhonda, Marlene's disgusting roommate, coming down shortly after.

Kowalski: Clemson and Rhonda too?
Skipper: What in the name of returning guest characters? It's villain-mageddon!
Hans: Not even close, my former foe.
Savio: It's time for a taste... of Hoboken hospitality!

Savio slithers to the penguins, and music starts to play. They start to sing to the penguins - The Happy Little Land of Hoboken.

Hans: It's a happy little land of Hoboken,
Hans and Lulu: Where a unkind word is never spoken! You can bet your left flipper that we'll get you feeling chipper--
All Hoboken animals: Today!
Clemson: For the price of a lousy subway token, you can catch the next train to Hoboken! Let our wares lose the cares!
Lulu: From our droopy derrieres--
Clemson, Lulu and Savio: Okay!

The scene shifts over to a dark room with a piano as a spotlight flashes over Hans.

Hans: We were once quite rotten.
Savio: Tragic yet true.
Hans: Naughty ninnies one and all were we.
Lulu: (playing the piano) Not me.
Hans: Yes, fine, I was speaking generally.

Rhonda comes down from a slide similar to Marlene's back at the Central Park Zoo.

Rhonda: But here our past is forgotten!
Clemson: So, we're good? I'm good! (hugs the penguins)
All Hoboken Animals: (Clemson, Lulu, and Hans are swinging on tire swings with Savio behind them) It's the endless summer, anti-bummer, life of zoo luxury!
Hans, Clemson and Savio: In the perky peppy land of Hoboken where anger never gets provoken!
Rhonda: No more holding bitter grudges!
Hans: Every Tuesday we make fudges!

Hans hands a plate of fudge to Private, who is ecstatic.

Private: (joining in the singing) No way! (sees Skipper staring at him) What?
Clemson: (floating on floaty chair in the pool) It's paradise!
Savio: (opens a tray revealing a mouse) They serve the freshest mice!
Lulu: (shows Rhonda and Hans changing from bad to good) It turns the bad to nice!
All Hoboken Animals: In the happy little land of Ho--
Skipper: (enraged) He-yah!

The animals stop singing as enraged Skipper abruptly jumps into the scene, kicks Rhonda, punches Hans and Clemson repeatedly in the face and flipping Savio on to Lulu. The other penguins panic and stop him.

Private: Skipper, no!

The penguins restrain him as Clemson scurries away.

Skipper: Aw, don't tell me you're buying this singsong claptrap! It's Hoboken (sadly) where hope goes to croak!
Clemson: Okay, technically, you're right.

Skipper smirks and winks confidently at the others.

Clemson: Don't look so smug, I said you're right!
Rhonda: But Hoboken has changed! We got this new lady in charge; Zookeeper Frances, sister knows her swank! (winks)

Hans jumps on Rhonda's head.

Hans: Frances gives us activities, fine cuisine, even massage chairs!

Hans gestures over to Clemson standing next to three massage chairs.

Clemson: And who does not love a good massage chair?

Hans jumps on one of the chairs. He feels relaxed as he lays down on the massage chairs.

Hans: Oh yes...
Savio: In such a paradise, who could remain evil?

Rhonda agrees with Savio's statement.

Rhonda: Not me.
Clemson: I second that! Or is it third? I lost track, hey! I'm so happy over here.

Clemson joins Hans and relaxes on a massage chair.

Hans: So happy...
Private: Actually Skipper, the new Hoboken Zoo does look like a smashing vacation spot!
Skipper: Rico, knock the pixie dust out of Private's eyes.
Rico: Okay.

Rico smacks Private at the back of his head. Private rubs his head in pain.

Skipper: I am not vacationing in New Jersey's own fright-portal to Hades!
Lulu: I assure you this zoo is perfectly--
Frances: (in the distance) Are those my new arrivals I hear?
Skipper: Zookeeper incoming! Bug out men!

The penguins belly slide away, except Private, who waddles slowly to them as Skipper fails to climb over a wall.

Private: Honestly, I don't see what's so wrong here.
Skipper: Open your nose, Private! This zoo reeks of dark master plans! Question is, who's the dark mastermind?

They turn around to see the zookeeper, Frances, right behind them.

Frances: (singing) In the shiny tiny land of Hoboken, where nothing's ever dirty or broken!

Frances does a twirl and grabs them, skipping to the other animals and throwing the penguins up in the air.

Frances: Here's a tip, stay awhile! Take a trip to the smile buffet! In the happy little land of Hoboken, U.S.A.!! (spins around with the penguins in her arms) Hooray!
Skipper: Dark mastermind.
Kowalski: Totally!
Frances: Welcome, welcome, spankin' new Hobokeners! I am going to take such good care of you!

She cuddles the penguins as Skipper tries to escape from her grip.

Private: Why does there always have to be an evil mastermind with you? I think somebody just can't let himself unwind and enjoy a proper holiday!

Skipper starts choking on something while the others stare at him as he slowly regurgitates a giant tooth, at which Rico seems impressed.

Skipper: Behold, the Hoboken Emergency Hollow Tooth!
Kowalski: But... we don't... have teeth.
Skipper: You think I don't know that?! (presses a button) Hoboken emergency activate!

Scene IX: Penguin HQ

In the penguins HQ, the lemurs are watching TV when the emergency alarm activates.

Computerized Voice: Save us from Hoboken. We are in Hoboken.

A map appears behind the lemurs showing Manhattan, the Hudson River and New Jersey. Hoboken is encircled in red marker and 'Hoboken' is written on top of it with an arrow pointing to the circle.

Computerized Voice: Seriously, Hoboken. It's in New Jersey. Exit 14 C.

Maurice: Shouldn't we do something about that?

King Julien spits a chewed Peanut Butter Winkie at the speakers and it malfunctions.

Maurice: You know that doesn't really fix the problem.

King Julien: But it fixed my problem of not hearing the television box. Now swivel the royal melon.

Television: You're watching the Non-Stop Dance Boogie Network.

King Julien: OH! Ooh, Ooh Ooh. Eh, Mr. Mort, set the booty to stunning!

Mort spits on Julien's booty, and wipes it clean with a cloth.

Mort: Engage.

Television: Now lets get back to Bavarian polka week!

It shows German people dancing to polka.

Julien: AH! German folk music! My booty's only weakness!

Julien cowers onto the ground.

Julien: AH, change it! Change it! Change it!

Maurice, and Mort start looking for the remote near the TV.

Julien: This is the most disgusting thing I've ever been made to witness. Although maybe when the shock wears off...

Julien looks at the TV, seeing the German folk dancing again.

Julien: GAH! It is even worse the second time! Maurice, why are you not making it go away?!

Maurice: We can't find the remote your majesty!

Julien: What? This is the most outrageous...!

Julien sees the German folk dancing again.

Julien: AH! I got so outraged I forgot about not looking...

Julien gets up perfectly fine. He shields his vision from the TV with his hands.

Julien: This lack of remote control-yness is unacceptable hospitality! And somebody must pay!

Mort: Is it the penguins?

Julien: Ah, yes sure. They'll do. If only I know where to find, and yell at them.

Maurice points to the map behind him.

Maurice: I'd try Hoboken.

Julien: But I am having a much better idea!

Scene X: Hoboken Zoo

Frances giggles happily while she carries the penguins.

Frances: So obviously, we weren't expecting you but I'm sure you can get along with the puffin until we fix up a proper habitat.

Skipper gasps as they approach the Puffin Habitat.

Skipper: The puffin!

Skipper looks suspiciously at Hans who is waving at them from the top of his habitat.

Frances: Have fun!

Scene XI: Puffin Habitat

Frances drops off the penguins on to the Puffin Habitat where they meet up with Hans. Hans kindly greeted them afterwards.

Hans: Oh ja! We're going to be the best of chummy-fun pals.

Skipper takes Hans by his chest feathers, and glares at him.

Skipper: Don't 'ja'! I'm not your fun pal, you demented Dane!

Skipper releases him, and continues to glare.

Skipper: I need evil zookeeper intel asap! So are you going to spill your gizzard, or do I spill it for you?

Hans glares at Skipper, and then begin to circle each other.

Hans: Tickle fight!

Hans begins to tickle Skipper under his flippers, and Skipper starts to laugh uncontrollably. He begins to tickle his chest, and then back under his flippers.

Hans: Oh, somebody has a tickle spot!

Private: Massage chair party! Who's in?

Hans stops tickling Skipper, much to his relief.

Hans: I am in!

Frances hugs Rhonda, twirls, and hugs Savio.

Skipper: (tired) Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski, and Rico waddle up to Skipper, who recovers himself.

Kowalski: It appears zookeeper Frances has them too terrified to talk. Instead they mask their fear with hollow smiles, and tickle games.

Rico smiles, and starts tickling Skipper. Skipper starts laughing uncontrollably, again.

Skipper: Stop, stop, stop it! Stop it!

Rico looks up at Kowalski, who shakes his head disapprovingly. Rico then stops tickling Skipper.

Rico: Aw...

Skipper jumps back up.

Skipper: What has that perky fiend done to them!

You can see Private on a massage chair, with Hans in the background. A green light comes up the massage chair, and looks like its scanning Private. The light goes through the cord for the massage chair, and goes down into the ground. It shows four pictures of penguins. Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private shaped. A green light starts to fill up the Private picture.

Scene XII: Puffin Habitat

The scene opens to one of the penguins using the spy binoculars at Frances' office.

Kowalski: And now its the minivac. That's six straight hours of cleaning! Somebody needs a hobby...

Skipper takes the binoculars from Kowalski. Kowalski whips out his notebook and pencil.

Skipper: Evil is her hobby.

Its shows her vacuuming the air till a white cloud goes away. It comes back, and she rushes over to suck it up.

Skipper: And no minivac can suck up its malignant stench.

Private zooms across the binoculars, to Skipper's annoyance. He groans in aggravation.

Private: This is the greatest vacation ever!

It shows all the Hoboken animals, and Private on a water ski. Rico whines, and wants to join them, but Skipper holds him back.

Skipper: Alright you soft pretzels, we're cracking this dame's happy-cacky racket. Kowalski, check the big book of mad zookeeper conspiracies.

Kowalski takes out a book, and Rico goes over, and looks at it with a bored expression.

Kowalski: Let's see... there's an entire zoo swapped out for lookalike robots.

Rico eyes widen at those words. Skipper holds out a flipper, and it smacks Hans in the face. It makes him fall off, and then causes the other animals to fall off as well.

Skipper: Nope. That's a good fleshy feel. What else you got?

Scene XIII: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico pop out of bushes and look around suspiciously.

Kowalski: Paranoid scenario number 2, animals are hunted for sport by the world's lunatic billionaires.

Skipper: Too bad they made one classic mistake. Never hunt a hunter!

Skipper jumps on a man in front of them, and slaps the back of his neck, knocking him out. The man falls on the ground, with Skipper on his back. You hear a gasp, and the screen turns to show multiple kids.

Girl: That bird hit teacher JayJay!

The kids growl, and yell as they start after Skipper. It shows Kowalski and Rico, watching and listening to Skipper's screams.

Kowalski: Uh.. gah... oh... ooh!

Kowalski closes the book, and hides it in front of his face, so he wouldn't see Skipper getting beat up. Rico continues to look on. Skipper slams onto the ground in front of them.

Skipper: So many tiny hands...

A kid takes Skipper by his feet and pulls him away. Skipper yells in surprise, and you can hear more screams and punches.

Scene XIV: Frances' Office, Night Time

Kowalski is seen typing on a computer. Skipper pops out from a desk drawer.

Skipper: Tell me what I'm looking for Kowalski.

Kowalski: Any evidence that zookeeper Frances is consorting with aliens, demons, and/or man-eating carnivorous plants.

A drawer behind Kowalski is pushed open and Rico pops up from inside.

Rico: I got nothin'.

Skipper: All I got is some kind of zoo animal brochure.

Kowalski takes the brochure from Skipper.

Kowalski: Skipper, this is no brochure! No, no. It's a... cookbook!

Skipper: What?!

Rico rubs his stomach.

Rico: Mmm... wait a minute... what?!

Kowalski flips the "cookbook" on its side and opens it.

Kowalski: Uh... no, its a brochure. Ooh! Did you know they have a cheese fountain here?

Rico hears this and jumps in excitement while checking out the brochure.

Rico: What?!

Rico grabs the map, slaps Kowalski's back and jumps away, leaving Kowalski twirling around from the force of the slap before falling to the ground. Skipper and Kowalski look out a window, and see all the Hoboken animals together with Private and Rico at a cheese fountain. Rico comes out from the pool of cheese and spits some out before swimming across and catching it. He starts flapping his flippers up and down in excitement.

Rico: Party!

Skipper just stares as they all start to laugh.

Scene XV: New York City, Toy Store, Night Time

Julien: Fore!

Julien swings a bat at a bowling ball, sending it rolling over to Mort, who is standing in front of several bowling pins. The ball hits Mort along with the pins and sends him down a flight of stairs.

Julien: Yes! (fist pump) In Mort's face! And stomach and other parts.

Maurice: I'm confused. Why would you think the penguins would be here?

Julien: What? No, no! I said I had a better idea. This was way more fun!

Julien tosses the bat away and it hits Mort.

Julien: But now that I am bored, let us go find, and yell at the penguins.

King Julien leaves as Maurice sighs.

Scene XVI: Puffin Habitat

Kowalski and Skipper are seen continuously slapping each other when Kowalski stops Skipper.

Kowalski: Ugh...

Skipper: Ugh...

Kowalski: Uh... Okay, it appears we are not asleep in some backwards dreamworld.

Skipper: Really? Eh, better be sure.

Skipper suddenly tries to slap Kowalski but misses when Kowalski sits down. Skipper spins around while Kowalski holds the book on zookeeper conspiracies.

Kowalski: No, Skipper. I'm afraid that's it. In my scientific opinion, there is only one possible alternative...

He pauses for a while and suddenly blows.

Kowalski: ..."This place is... awesome."!

Kowalski advances quickly and jumps on one of the massage chairs. He joins Private and Rico in relaxation.

Skipper: You blind fools! You're living a false paradise! And when it comes crashing down--

The noise from the massage chairs is drowning out the sound of Skipper's yelling, and the penguins can't hear him.

Private: What's he on about?

Rico: (shaking excessively) I have no idea!

Skipper: This entire pestering pustule of filth-ridden putridity--

Frances: (in the distance) Oh Commissioner McSlade, they just don't make mid-level bureaucrats like you anymore!

Pervis: True that, Frances.

Skipper: New York Parks Commissioner Pervis McSlade? What back-alley intrigue is this?

Scene XVII: Hoboken Zoo

Pervis: Wow, this place used to be a dump!

Skipper pops his head out from a lamp post, a popcorn cart, and a nearby bush rapidly.

Pervis: But now, you can eat off these floors!

Pervis looks at his reflection, and winks at it.

Pervis: How did you do it?

Frances: Uh, uh, uh, zookeeper secret!

Frances makes a zipping motion with her hand in front of her mouth.

Pevis: Ooh, sassy. I like it! That's a leadership quality. You, madam, are a zookeeper with a future.

Pervis walks away, and Frances shakes her fists in happiness.

Pervis: Ooh, ohh, what's behind this door?

Francis flashes over, and trys to cover up the door that says 'Keep Out'.

Francis: Nothing! Oh, it's nothing! It's literally a doorway to nothing!

It zooms out a little so you can see Skipper on a roof.

Skipper: Oh nothing, huh?

Skipper jumps down from the roof, and lands on Francis head. He searches her hair and finds a bobby pin.

Frances: Ah! No!

Skipper swings over to the doorknob and uses the pin to unlock it.

Scene XVIII: Inspiration Nook

Skipper jumps inside the room.

Skipper: Aha! Behold the sinister secret at the heart of ge--

He stops himself as he realizes what inside. The entire room contains newspaper articles, all related to Commissioner McSlade. In the middle of the room is a giant picture of Pervis, and two golden statues of him stand next to it. Skipper, Frances, and Pervis are in the middle of the room.

Frances: Oh, I'm so embarrased. It's just that youve always been a hero of mine. (nervously) I call it my inspiration nook.

Pervis: Inspiration nook, I love it!

Skipper is trying to sneak away in the background while Frances was distracted.

Frances: Does this mean I'm coming to the big leagues?

Pervis: The big apple leagues! Welcome to the New York Parks Commision.

Frances: Yes!

She notices Skipper trying to get away.

Frances: Just give me a minute to take care of this little scamp.

Skipper tries to get away, but Frances catches him at the door.

Scene XIX: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper: No dark underbelly? Is it possible I was wrong? Is Hoboken really some hidden vacation paradise?

Frances pulls on a lever disguised as a wall lamp. Once pulled, a nearby trash bin moves to the side, revealing a hatch.

Frances: (in a singsong voice) Down you go!

She tosses Skipper inside but he catches himself at the edge of the hole. Frances waves her finger at him before grabbing a broom.

Frances: Oh, no, no, no! This zoo is for (insane) sanitary animals. (in a singsong voice) All dirty birdies go down the garbage chute where they belong! Bye bye!

She smacks Skipper in the face with the broom, causing him to fall in the hatch. He screams as Frances calmly and collectively pushes the lamp back into position, the trash bin returning to its original place.

Scene XX: Underground Lair

Skipper comes falling down from a chute, and smacks onto the ground. He looks up at the sky angrily.

Skipper: Hoboken!

Rhonda: Knock it off, flatbrow. Some of us prisoners are trying to sleep.

Skipper: Prisoners? How?

Kowalski, Private, and Rico slide into the scene from behind a wall.

Prviate: We can answer that Skipper.

Skipper: I saw all of you topside! If you're down here, who are they up there?

Hans is lying down in a small cell.

Hans: The phony abaloneys? They are the fruits of zookeeper Frances's twisted obsession!

Skipper: Cloning?

Kowalski: Cleaning.

Clemson sits up from another cell.

Clemson: That lady can not stand a mess. But, can we be honest here? Of course we can, we're friends! Well not friends the way I think of it, but the point is that zoo animals are filthy, filthy beasts. There I said it, and you all know it!

Lulu is sitting on a pipe near the ceiling.

Lulu: So, down the chute we went, replaced by shiny, clean android doubles.

Skipper: Whoa, whoa, whoa, robots? (looking at his flipper) Those things slap like real animals!

Kowalski: Not robots, Skipper. Bio-mechanical Androids.

The screen goes to a flashback. It shows Rico, Private and Kowalski on the massage chairs. It zooms in on Kowalski, and the same green light from earlier goes over the chair.

Kowalski: Copied from our own DNA. Courtesy of Frances's body-scanning massage chairs.

The same panel that had the pictures of the four penguins, fills up Kowalski picture. It then moves to a diffrent scene where three book cabinets flip around to reveal duplicates of Private, Rico, and Kowalski. They waddle out of the cabinets so you can see their red eyes. It then shows Francis take out a minivac and start sucking up the white fog that had come from the cabinets. It comes out of the flashback.

Skipper: Well, well. All this started because some posh nancycats couldn't resist a spin in the massage-o-matic.

The three penguins look down in shame. Skipper's android doppleganger comes waddling up behind him as he talks.

Skipper: Let that be a lesson to all of you-- (The android version of Skipper touches his shoulder) Ah!

All the animals gasp upon seeing the android Skipper.

Kowalski: Couldn't resist a massage you say?

Private: (aside to Kowalski) Nancycat.

Skipper: Come on! It was one neck rub.

Android Skipper: Hi. I know Kung fu! Hiya!

Android Skipper kicks Skipper and sends him up flying as he screams.

Scene XXI: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper continues to scream as he opens up the chute by ramming into it, because of the Android Skipper's attack. It pops open, and he falls on his stomach a few feet away. The Skipper android comes up from the hole.

Android Skipper: You're a dirty birdie!

Android Skipper jumps up, and is about to hit Skipper, but he jumps away in time. The android's hit was powerful enough to make several cracks appear on the ground.

Skipper: And you're a talking toaster!

Skipper trys to put in some hits, but Android Skipper blocks every one.

Android Skipper: Tuesday's Fudge Day!

Skipper: (confused) What?

Android Skipper gives Skipper a kick in the face and he slams into a vending machine. The android lounges at him for more hits.

Scene XXII: Underground Lair

Inside the dungeon, the other animals can hear everything going on above ground.

Clemson: (flinching) I'm gonna have to go with not good for that sound.

Kowalski: No it... Wait, sound! We can hear that battle! Which means...

He goes over to the area just below the hatch, and points out that it is, in fact, open.

Kowalski: Yes! Skipper's knocked open an exit hatch!

Rhonda: And how are we supposed to get up there?

Kowalski: I've got an idea! But it isn't going to be pretty.

Scene XXIII: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper is standing alone, and is looking suspicously from side to side. Android Skipper then comes up from behind him unnoticed and hits him in the neck, throwing Skipper over to a nearby bench. Android Skipper takes its neck and twists and stretches it. Skipper backflips onto the bench and rips off a plank from it. He jumps over Android Skipper and whacks it with the plank, sending it flying over to the same bench.

Skipper: Ha!

Android Skipper quickly stands and picks up the entire bench.

Skipper: Oh.

Android Skipper slams it against Skipper, and he is sent flying several feet in the air.

Scene XXIV: Underground Lair

Savio is seen with his jaw clamping onto the top of the chute, with Rhonda pulling his tail back.

Rhonda: Fire in the hole!

She releases Savio's tail, and he is sent up the chute.

Scene XXV: Hoboken Zoo

Savio comes out of the chute screaming, and lands on the ground as the rest of his coils land on top of his head. Skipper slides over from the hit he had taken from the android, right into Savio's face. He jumps up.

Skipper: Savio?

Savio: And assorted stomach contents!

Savio then proceeds to hack up Kowalski, Hans, Lulu, Clemson, Rico and Private. Private slams onto the ground.

Rico: Ew!

Clemson: Love to get a tape of that.

Android Skipper: Hi! (Android Skipper waves to them from a distance) I know kung fu!

Skipper: Well, well. Where's your robotic superiority now?

Everyone glares at Android Skipper as Skipper crosses his flippers confidently. The other androids jump into the scene from behind a wall.

Other androids: Dirty birdie!

Android Skipper flips over to them and performs several quick slashes with his flippers. He stops just as fast and a metallic clang is heard.

Kowalski: (weakly) Found it.

Pervis: (in the distance) Welcome Tri-State Press Corps.!

Skipper: Huh?

The android duplicates look over to the source of the voice.

Pervis: (in the distance) You all know me!

Scene XXVI: Hoboken Zoo Entrance

Pervis and Frances are at the front entrance of the zoo.

Pervis: (speaking into a microphone stand) So lets all introduce this rising star. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Frances Alberta!

Everbody starts to clap as a lady takes a picture.

Pervis: (speaking into microphone) She cleaned up Hoboken, and now she's gonna clean up--

Scene XXVII: Hoboken Zoo

Pervis: Manhattan!

Skipper: Manhattan? (gasps) The Central Park Zoo!

The other animals gasp as well. Skipper fantasizes what might happen. Francis is smiling evilly. An android Marlene, is holding the real Marlene tied up. The android sends Marlene down the otter habitat slide. Phil and Mason androids throw the real hogtied chimps down a garbage chute. It then shows an android Julien repeatedly punching the real Julien's stomach who is hanging upside down.

Skipper: Eh, I could live with that one.

Private: We have to stop Frances!

Android Kowalski: (monotone) Frances in danger.

Android Private: (monotone) Must destroy animals.

Android Hans: (monotone) Why did we start talking like robots?

Andorid Rico: (normally, shrugs) I dunno.

Some androids: AAAAAH!

The androids start to charge at the real animals. The real animals getting into their fighting positions.

Skipper: Hold the line, boys. I've got to bust up a press conference. Hiya! (Skipper leaps offscreen)

As Skipper jumps away, the other animals charge as well. The androids run past Android Skipper, who turns to where Skipper went, and follows.

Scene XXVIII: Hoboken Zoo Entrance

Pervis: Now, as commissioner this handshake is a legal contract. So, let's limber up Mr. Righty and make it official.

Pervis begins to crack his fingers as Frances stands next to him, hand outstretched, ready for the handshake that would put her in charge of the Central Park Zoo.

Scene XXIX: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper: Must... stop... hand... shake!

As Skipper is sliding on a wall, something grabs him by the feet. Several punches are heard and Skipper is seen on the ground.

Skipper: (in pain) Oh... Curse your robotic super strength! And ruggedly handsome looks!

Android Skipper: It's time to take out the garbage!

Just as Android Skipper is about to strike, the sewer grate slams onto him, knocking him down. It is revealed that the lemurs have opened it.

Mort: Oh, your face makes a New Year!

Skipper: Ringtail! I never thought I'd be glad to see you!

Julien: Eh, da, da! Do not be thinking you can be making sweet talking excuses for this TV remote fiascatastrophe!

Skipper: The remote? I keep it on the shelf next to the radio.

Julien: Okay, good to know.

Julien jumps down into the hole with Maurice and Mort. Maurice and Mort pull the grate off Android Skipper, back onto the hole. Android stands up and part of his bio-mechanically engineered skin had come off, revealing a sparking mechanical eye and left flipper.

Skipper: Aw, crud!

The android quickly tackles Skipper.

Scene XXX: Hoboken Zoo Entrance

Pervis is still getting ready for the handshake.

Pervis: Handshake a-coming! Here we go!

Francis stands by, arm still outstretched, with an exasperated expression.

Scene XXXI: Hoboken Zoo

Skipper: Ah!

Skipper is thrown onto one of the massage chairs and it lands on top of him.

Skipper: (speaking to the chair) Now this is all your fault! Lousy massage---! (gets an idea) Chairs...?

Android hops onto the highest point of the chair, pointing out the damage.

Android Skipper: Oh my! Would you look at this mess? Zookeeper Frances won't like this one bit.

Skipper: Brother, this mess is just getting started. Ya!

Skipper jumps up, trapping Android Skipper between two massage chairs. He quickly pulls on a cord and uses it to restrain Android Skipper. As soon as the android is completely tied down, he turns the poer on to maximum. Both chairs start shaking rapidly.

Android Skipper: (shaking) So... relaxing...

The dial pops off and Skipper hurriedly slides away. Just as he is making his escape, the chairs explode, sending him flying.

Scene XXXII: Hoboken Zoo Entrance

Pervis: Panther grab, panther grab, and... ready! Anything you would like to say Frances?

Frances shakes off her expression and smiles.

Frances: Just what a thrill it's going to be to take care of all of Central Park's...

She stops as they hear something falling. A bit of debris gathers near them as both real and fake Skippers land straight into comissioner McSlade's open hands. Android Skippers starts twitching and sparking. His right flipper is detached.

Android Skipper: H-hi! I know kung fu!

Pervis: Bio-mechanical android duplicates?

Scene XXXIII: Hoboken

The Hoboken Zoo gate is knocked down as Rhonda is thrown onto it. She lands on the ground, uncouscious as the fight continues. Savio is in the background, slamming into his double as the smaller animals run outside. Rhonda awakes just in time to see Android Rhonda deliver a harsh bodyslam. Frances is distressed at first, but starts to lose control as she grabs her broom.

Frances: Dirty.... filthy... animals! AAAAAAAH!

She charges towards the brawl, right past Pervis, who is knocked down. The nearby citizens run away as Android Savio, Android Clemson and Android Lulu go after them alongside Rhonda. Kowalski and Android Kowalski are shown fighting, the real one using his abacus to defend himself. They pause to see both Rico and Android Rico roll off in a battle of strength, and continue once Kowalski smacks Android Kowalski with his abacus. Clemson attacks Android Lulu, and jumps away as Android Rhonda slams on to Android Lulu. Clemson scurries past Private and Android Private, who are slapping each other's flippers. Frances smacks Savio in the head, knocking him out and pushes Clemson away.

Frances: No more messies!

She sweeps at Hans, sending him flying off screen.

Frances: (in a singsong voice crazily) Happy, happy Hoboken!

Skipper leaps onto the head of her broom.

Skipper: Oh, eat dirt!

Skipper kicks Frances away and she lands right into a trash can, causing her hat to fall off as Pervis recovers. She coughs loudly.

Pervis: (upset) You are so fired.

Frances starts crying as two of Pervis's agents drag her off. The penguins watch the brawl from atop a news van.

Skipper: Deadly robot doppelgangers, a perky evil mastermind and a zoo in crisis. Boys, now that's a vacation! Up high!

The penguins exchange high fives.

Skipper: Ahah! (Skipper jumps down)

Kowalski, Rico, Private: Ahah! (they jump down as well)

Skipper smacks Android Clemson, and Kowalski kicks Android Hans away. The two maintain their fighting stances, waiting for more.

Scene XXXIV: Penguin HQ

The lemurs are watching television showing the chaos in Hoboken.

Julien: (sighs) Boring! What else is on?

Julien grabs the remote and turns the channel. Accidentally, the channel he turns it to is the Nonstop Dance Boogie Network, which is still showing German Polka.

Julien: Aah! The letherhosen! It is like poison for my eye stomachs!

Julien throws Mort on the TV, turning it off.


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