The penguins are racing around the zoo in their vehicle.
Skipper: Punch it Private!
Private screams while trying to avoid running over a cricket in the road.
Skipper doesn't know why Private screeched to a stop and gives him a look.
Skipper: Private, WHAT WAS THAT?! We could have broken the track record!
Cricket chirps his thanks for Private.
Private: You're welcome little guy.
Scene II: Penguin Habitat
Private: [sadly] Sorry Skipper, I guess nice guys really do finish last...
Skipper: That's just nature's way young Private--
A rolling armadillo enters penguin habitat, knocking everyone down then falling into the open hatch.
Amarillo Kid: Yeehaw, hole in one!
Amarillo Kid: Sir, I ain't no intruder. I am the Amarillo Kid.
Skipper: Should I know you?
Amarillo Kid: Only if your name is Mr. Tux.
No one notices Private hide.
Skipper: Kowalski, my alias portfolio!
Kowalski: Let's see, there's Two Bit Hood Jack the Knife, international playbird Diego Garcia, wealthy industrialist Lincoln Douglas, I'm not seeing a "Mr. Tux" here Skipper.
Skipper: Perhaps it was that time I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room, on a bed of counterfeit Deutschmarks.
Private comes out from hiding.
Private: I'm Mr. Tux.
Western saloon music in the background sounds.
Skipper: Oh yeah, well thanks young private I think I've got this. [Kidd proceeds to roll under Skipper- knocking him down- and towards Private]
Amarillo Kid: Hello Mr. Tux, it's been a long time. Longer than a yellow snake in a bowl of red bean chili!
Amarillo Kid: See, Mr. Tux and me have some unfinished business.
Skipper: Our Private? Your business is all finished isn't it Private?
Private: No Skipper. The Amarillo Kid and I have been on a collision course for a long, long time.
Amarillo Kid: Yeah, that's right. Longer than a yellow...
Private cuts him off.
Private: Zip it kid! You're wasting your breath. I'm a different man now.
Kowalski: Man? But Private is so private-y? What's this about?
Amarillo Kid: Mr. Tux knows what it's about.
Private: I told you, never again!
Private slides away into the hatch.
Amarillo Kid: Never say never, unless it's when you're sayin' never to say, never. Huh. [rolls out of the zoo as the remaining penguins stare]
Skipper: Armadillo's are all just whacked out from the scorching desert heat.
Scene III: HQ
Skipper: Well, Private! What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character.
Private: Yeah, I... [Skipper cuts him off]
Skipper: I don't like it, I like my men one-dimensional. Works better for me.
Rico: Huh? [quickly hides a book of stamps]
Private: I was young and foolish.
Kowalski spits his coffee at Private.
Kowalski: Sorry! Went down the wrong esophagus.
Amarillo Kid rolls into the penguin's headquarters.
Amarillo Kid: Here's what we got, two eggs, two flapjacks, two strips of bacon, one smiley face. [Pause] Might make you change your mind, what d'ya say Mr. Tux?
Private: Mr. Tux left nothing but a trail of broken hearts and shattered dreams.
Amarillo Kid: You know what, you sure shattered my dreams! Like a big ol', tin plate! Of... dreams.
Private: No, I will not play your cursed game, Amarillo Kidd!
Amarillo Kid: Well we'll just see about that that dramatic pronouncement and such, Mr. Tux! [leaves]
Skipper: What does he mean, game?
Private: It was brutal combat Skipper! And I was the best! But I walked away before it destroyed me...
Marlene: [comes in through the door] Um, guys I think you better come out here.
Scene IV: Topside
Amarillo Kid and Julien are playing a game of mini golf. Amarillo Kid's ball goes across a wavy red carpet, and a sideways ladder. Maurice and Mort clap.
Skipper: Hey, what's the deal?
Amarillo Kid: I'm just warming up on a local, before I whoop Mr. Tux.
Skipper: Wait, you mean the brutal combat was...?
Private: Mini golf.
Kowalski spits his drink in Rico's face out of surprise.
Kowalski: Sorry again, I thought he said mini golf?
Private: That's right, miniature golf.
Kowalski spits in Rico's face again.
Skipper: With the windmills and the neon colored balls and the little pencily things.
Amarillo Kid: You betcha, now if you don't mind let me sink this putt.
Julien: Oh, he's made this interesting. Everybody be interested!
Skipper: You mean your betting this nut-ball?
Julien: Technically I'm losing everything to this nut-ball, but I can't let that distract me again.
Marlene: Julien, he's hustling you!
Julien: Oh really! well what makes you think so?
Amarillo Kid: Look out, clown's mouth.
The Amarillo Kid sinks the ball in with one shot.
Marlene: I don't know, just call it a hunch.
Julien: Not to worry, I have already doubled down, all I need to do is make this shot.
Skipper: Doubled down?
Private: But what have you got left to bet?
Julien: Nothing that is too valuable, only my loyalist subjects.
Skipper: This isn't fair kid, that shot is impossible.
Amarillo Kid: Impossible for him maybe, but not for Mr. Tux. I think I might stuff em' and put them next to my jack-o-lope, and call them lemur-lopes.
Private sinks the putt, then throws down his club.
Scene V: HQ
Private: I swore I would never play that infernal game again.
Kowalski spits his coffee again.
Kowalski: Oh my bad. I really should just put this mug down.
Skipper: Private what could be so infernal about mini golf?
Kowalski spits his coffee again, much to Rico's annoyance.
Private: No, it wasn't the game. It's what it did to me....
Scene VI: Flashback
Private flashes back to his Mini-Golf career.
Private (voice over): I started playing for fun, but I was good. I was too good. Pretty soon every young buck who thought he could hit a straight shot came looking for me. And then one day, a young armadillo was playing me tough. And I started to worry. And for the first time I might lose. So I did the unthinkable...
He knocks a little girls ice cream off its cone to win the game.
Scene VII: Return to Present
Private: That was it for me. I just walked away.
Marlene: So you quit the game?
Private: Yes, forever.
Kowalski: Over an ice cream cone?
Private: It was a double scoop!
Marlene: Couldn't you just buy the girl another ice cream, or...?
Private: It wasn't the ice cream! It was me! The pressure of the competition was making me tart and churlish, and yes, I'll admit it, at times a bit snippity.
Skipper: Well, Private as utterly ridiculous as that sounds to all of us.
...to be continued...