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Love Hurts/Transcript

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Love hurts-title

Scene I: The Deli

Observing from a tree through binoculars, the penguins see a deli from across a road and a man inside.

Kowalski: Positive I.D. on Deli owner. Approaching refrigerator.
Skipper: (excited) And?
Private: (excited) And?
Rico: (excited) FISH?

Kowalski sees that the man is holding a metal bucket with Tuna Salad in it.

Kowalski: We have day-old tuna salad!

The other penguins cheer and high-five each other.

Kowalski: He's off to the store room. Definitely a dump job.
Private: I can't believe people just throw away old tuna. I mean, what is "Salmonella" anyway?
Kowalski: I believe it's Italian for "Little Salmon."
Skipper: Ah, a taste of the old country.
Rico: Mama Mia! (speaks Italian before kissing his flipper in the same fashion)
Skipper: Kowalski, tuna extraction options.
Kowalski: That skylight is our entry point.

Kowalski points to the skylight window on the building. He then pulls out his notepad to demonstrate his idea.

Kowalski: I suggest the parasail, quick and silent.

As Kowalski talks, Frankie the pigeon flies past them and lands on one of the lines on the telephone pole and gets electrocuted. The penguins see this and have second thoughts.

Kowalski: With a slight chance of dancing the "high-voltage" chacha.

Frankie flies doozily into the tree by the same branch where the Penguins are hiding.

Frankie: (indignantly) What? But that's just how I fly alright?

Frankie tries to fly away but falls directly to the ground from off the tree.

Private: Is that really the safest approach?
Kowalski: (scoffs) No. But using wind and velocity calculations, I've determined the ideal body shape for clear parasailing!

Kowalski's notepad shows the outline of Private's, signifying that he is the ideal penguin for the job. Private sighs uncomfortably at Kowalski's decision.

Scene II: Downtown

Private is on the parasail, screaming. The penguins are in the car, with Rico driving, giving the parasail lift.

Skipper: Release, Private! Fly, you magnificent beast!

Private unhooks the cord and is flying towards the deli. He dodges the wires. Private laughs.

Private: I made it!
Skipper: He's in the clear!
Private: Approaching skylight! This is the greatest thrill of my life!

Suddenly, a gust of wind blows Private off to the side.

Skipper: He missed it.
Kowalski: No TUNA?! I mean, Private's in danger?
Skipper: No, he's landing safety next door. Kowalski, what's on the left of the Deli?
Kowalski: I believe that would be Madame Hilda's Training School for Bad-Tempered Rottweilers.
Rico: Uh-oh...
Private: AHHHHH!

Private lands there and gets attacked by the dogs.

Scene III: The Hospital

Rico knocks on the door to the zoo's hospital and the vet comes out to see who's there. He looks down and sees Private.

Veterinarian: (concerned) Oh my! How did you get down there?

Private is seen covered in bruises and has a black eye. He looks weary and beaten up.

Veterinarian: Never mind. Come, come, let's have a look at you...

The Vet picks up Private and carries him into the hospital. Inside the room, the vet checks Private's flippers and pokes his belly to see how his condition is. All the while, Private is wincing in pain.

Veterinarian: (chuckles) Just bumps and bruises. Don’t worry, little one, my new intern would take good care of you.

He calls for his intern.

Veterinarian: Shauna, your first patient is ready.

He leaves as the other penguins shows up.

Skipper: (proudly) Look at you, soldier, freshly decorated with combat souvenirs. Who cares if we didn’t get the tuna salad?
Rico: Uh... (raises his flipper) Me?
Skipper: Today, you owned your pain like a real man!

Skipper slaps Private, Private winces very painfully and sobs.

Skipper: Sorry, seriously. Couldn’t be prouder!

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico hides as Shauna enters the room.

Private: Funny, I don’t feel very manly.
Shawna: Knock, knock!

The new intern, Shauna enters and gasps at Private.

Shauna: Oh my gosh! Are you just the cutest thing ever!

Private sees Shauna and gasps amorously at Shauna's beauty. Shauna wipes her hair back in slow-motion as a sunset-type environment appears behind her from Private's vision of her. Private is seen still looking up at her, smitten by her beauty as hearts and lunacorns appear behind him. Private starts giggling, being tickled by Shauna as she applies medicine to his belly.

Shauna: Hehehe! Coochie coo! Oh, does that tickle? Does it?

Sometime later passes and Private looks fully healed, Shauna is seen cradling him while tying some medical tape around his leg.

Shauna: You are so sweet!

Private giggles. Time passes again and Private is seen in Shauna's arms as she is rubbing his back.

Private: (relaxed) Ah…..I wished this morning will never end...

Alice opens the door and grabs Private

Alice: Ok! Back to the habitat! (swipes Private from Shauna)
Private: SHAUNA!!

Shauna waves him goodbye as Alice carries Private back to his habitat.

Scene IV: The Zoo

As Alice carries Private back to his habitat, Private tries desperately to hold onto the doorside.

Alice: Hey, what is that!! Let go!!

Alice pulls Private off the side of the door and carries him away, this time holding Private under her arm.

Alice: This isn’t a day spa, princess! No more owies, no more hospital!
Private: (gets an idea) Owies...

Scene V: HQ

Private returns to the HQ with better condition, he is then greeted by the other Penguins, whom are wearing party hats and holding cake.

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico: SURPRISE!!
Private: Haha, you really don’t have to do this...

Skipper interrupts and mumbles

Skipper: Anything our wounded hero wants. Today’s your special day!
Rico: (in opera voice) FISH!!! Cake?
Private: Well, actually, what I really like is another cracking parachuting into the Deli. You know, get back to the horse and get to face the danger, and such.

Skipper starts sobbing at Private's request.

Kowalski: Skipper?
Skipper: Remember what I said that I can be any prouder? (sobs) I was wrong. I WAS WRONG!!

Scene VI: The Deli

The scene cuts to them parasailing.

Kowalski: Release velocity achieved! GO!

Private releases himself from the parasail and avoids the voltage lines as he heads towards the Deli.

Skipper: Skylight engine.. 5..4..3..
Rico: FISH!!
Private: (to self) For Shauna. EEH!

Private veers to the right and blatantly avoids the Deli and descends to the right ground.

Skipper: Uh? Kowalski, what’s on the right side of the Deli?
Kowalski: I believe that would be Gunnerson’s House of Rusty Bear Traps
Rico: Oh, boy...

Private falls there and shouts in pain as the sound of bear traps snapping is heard.

Scene VII: Hospital

The scene cuts to Shauna aiding Private in the hospital again.

Shauna: Aww... back already? Poor guy, you must be the unluckiest animal in the zoo.
Private: Funny, I feel like the luckiest penguin alive.
Shauna: All better, now let’s hope I don’t see you in here again.
Private: No power on Earth can keep me away.

Alice swipes Private abruptly and returns him to his habitat.

Scene VIII:The HQ

Private returns to his HQ to see the others still wearing the same party gear that they were wearing previously.

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico: SURPRISE!
Private: What? You made me another cake?
Rico: Nope!
Private: Oh, um... No, thanks.
Skipper : You've earned some serious relaxation time, soldier.
Kowalski: I’ve got magazines! Ooh ooh, this one has unicorns and quilting.
Private: Ooh! Any quilts with Lunacorns? [Kowalski flips a magazine open] Aaahhh...

Private stares before shaking his head, trying to regain his focus.

Private: NO! I insist on another tuna salad recovery mission! I shall conquer or get moderately injured in trying!
Kowalski: Private, are you sure you----AH!!

Skipper slaps Kowalski.

Skipper: Don’t feed the boy your doubter's poison!! He has got to pummel this bad luck streak into submission, anytime you’re ready... Private?
Private: (wearing his crash helmet) Now's good!

Scene IX: The Deli

They begin parasailing when Private smashes to the wall.

Scene X: The Hospital

The scene cuts to Private in the hospital with Shauna, who is cradling Private in her arms. They Shauna and Private nudge noses in a playful manner.

Scene XI: The Deli

Private attempts to continue his mission then gets harmed again through parasailing, by electrocuting himself on the wires.

Scene XII: The Hospital

Private is relaxing as Shauna feeds him sardines. Private's upper body looks burnt from the electrocution.

Scene XIII: HQ

Private returns to the HQ feeling better where the other Penguins are waiting for him to celebrate his party. Private intentionally falls and gets wounded again, tricking the penguins to believing about his "bad luck" and thus they look frustrated. Tired of waiting, Rico eats the fishcake whole.

Scene XIV: The Hospital

Private's flipper is being bandaged by Shauna. Private looks relaxed only to swiped away off-screen by Alice seconds afterwards.

Scene XV: The Deli

Private prepares to parasail, but intentionally does not hook the sail up to his harness and is dragged across the road by the other oblivious penguins.

Scene XVI: HQ

Skipper: (sighs while pacing) Frankly boys, I'm starting to think that Private’s bad luck streak maybe "unpummelable".
Kowalski: (shocked) EGAD!!!
Skipper: I know; tough word right? "Unpummelable"! Try it.
Kowalski: No, I mean EGAD, LOOK AT THIS! Private's harness was cut before that last run! This is no bad luck streak, it's sabotage!
Rico: Sabotage?!
Skipper: Impossible. No one has access to that parasail. The saboteur would have to be one of us.
Kowalski: (quickly) 1, 2, 3, NOT IT!
Skipper: Not it!
Rico: What?!
Kowalski: Ah! He admits his guilt!

Kowalski and Skipper jump on top of Rico.

Scene XIV: The Hospital

After a brief look at the front door (for barrings) the scene cuts to the window, where Kowalski and Skipper bring the now tied-up Rico.

Rico: (protesting in gibberish)
Kowalski: Oh, no, I didn't! You started it!
Skipper: Hey! Private! Do you know Rico's been secretly sabotaging...(double-taking) What in the name of corn-veiled candy stripers?!

A quick zoom-out reveals the penguins saw nurse Shawna cuddling Private over her shoulder as though burping a human baby; she even pats him lovingly on the back

Shawna: Seriously, this is like the eighth time today? I'm gonna you "Mr. Butter-Flippers".
Private: Well, I guess I might just be (air-quoting with flippers) "Accident prone".
Kowalski: (gasps) Air-quotes! The mime of insincerity! HE'S LYING!
Skipper: (untying Rico) Sorry, compradré. It looks like this was an inside job... inside Private's own puppy-love twisted brain.

Shawna: Be right back.

Shawna walks out of the room and Private lays on his back in love-induced pleasure, with his flippers on the back of his head and his eyes closed

Private: Be right here, sighing longingly. (longing sigh)

Private's daydreams were interrupted when he opens his eyes to find himself looking up at the other penguins, clearly upset with his dishonesty. Private gasps, startled.

Skipper: "Accident prone", Private? Oh, I've seen accident prone! Try Manfredi and Johnson, and a Chinese lantern, and 6 bottles of rocket fuel!

As Skipper mentions the incident, Kowalski is seen looking sad about the memory

Kowalski: (sniffling) Worst talent-show ever!

Private stands up as he makes his confession

Private: Okay! I admit it! I did it all to be with Shawna! But you don't understand, when Shawna bandages you, you're like an Angel-cake being frosted by fairies!

Kowalski raises an eyebrow, and Rico was twice that confused

Rico: Uh, what?
Private: You know nothing about love!

Skipper places a flipper on Private's shoulder

Skipper: Not to worry, Private. Actually, we do understand.
Private: You do?
Skipper: Of course! Who hasn't gone stupid for a lady?

Kowalski and Rico raise their flippers

Skipper: Guatemala.
Rico lowers his flipper in shame

Skipper: Doris the Dolphin.

Kowalski kept his flipper raised in denial.

Skipper: Don't make me show everyone the tattoo!
Kowalski: (lowers his flipper and bursts into tears) Doris!
Skipper: But the important thing is to take a deep breath, realize you've gone too far... AND SNAP OUT OF IT!
Private: (sighs) Yes, that does make a lot of sense.

Before long, though, Private refused to leave and had a firm grasp on the nurses' table, and even the combined strength of Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski couldn't pull him away.

Private: No! I'll never leave! Shawna's my destiny! Let go!

The other penguins stopped tugging at Private when they noticed that Shawna saw them do so, and tried to look innocent.

Shawna: (picks up Private) Is that why my sweet little guy's been in the hospital so much? Are the other penguins "bullying" you?!

Private looks at Skipper, who gets a close-up in time with his dramatic pauses.

Skipper: Don't!... You!... Dare!

Private wiggles about in Shawna's hands like a helpless victim in a way that has Shawna assume she guessed correctly. She puts Private safely to the side before slowly approaching the other penguins.

Shawna: Easy, I'm not gonna hurt you.
Skipper: Sister, I'd like to see you...!

Shawna sweeps Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico all at once in a single move. Not long after that, she put them in a cage (which Private stands next to) before looking up the situation in a veterinary medical book.

Skipper: Okay, the lady is not without her charm.
Shawna: Of course! Avian Insanity Fever!
Kowalski: Avian Insanity? (scoffs) Where did she get that crackpot diagnosis?

Seeing Rico's wacky behavior and how he bites at the cage's bars makes the answer to Kowalski's question obvious, which causes the brainy bird to feel very uncomfortable as Shawna puts on her medical mask.

Shawna: No problem. A simple injection should mellow them out.

The sight of the needle freaks the penguins out, Skipper worst of all.

Skipper: NEEDLE!!!!

Skipper starts tugging at the bars in panic while Rico continues to bite the bars and Kowalski tries to ram into it.

Skipper: Keeping fighting boys! Resistance!

It shows Private wincing every time Shauna injects the needle into the penguins.
Skipper: OW!
Kowalski: Ow!
Rico: Owie!
Kowalski: You call this melloooooo...

Kowalski's pupils then dilate and he looks tipsy. Skipper and Rico soon follow as he finishes speaking.

Kowalski: Oh mama, I'm a pretty, pretty, butterfly!
Skipper and Rico: (sigh in relaxation, as though they were in a happy dream)

Shauna then pets Private's head as she speaks.

Shauna: Aw, don't worry, sweetie. You just say goodbye to those bullies! You will never share a habitat with them again.

Private whimpers as Shauna pets his head and walks away.

Private: Goodbye...forever? B-but that's not what I wanted! I didn't mean-
Skipper: (still tipsy) Its okay Private. All we want is for you to be happy.

Private looks at Shauna before looking back at Skipper.

Private: The thing is Skipper, without you three, I don't think I could be.

Kowalski and Rico stumble too each other as they probably attempt to hug each other but miss.

Private: (sighs) Forgive me, Shauna, for that that I must do.
Shauna: First we will start quarantine procedures then--

Private suddenly jumps on her clipboard and shouts random noises. Shauna gasps yelps and drops the clipboard.

Shauna: Okay, I'm just gonna put this mask back on and take a teensy little check on--

She gasps when she doesn't see Private on the floor anymore. He suddenly appears on her shoulder and babbles nonsense. She screams and tries to get away but Private blocks her every time.

Shauna: You've got it too? And I've been touching you all day?!

Private butt scooches across the floor.

Private: Avain insanity!

Shauna picks up a book and reads it.

Shauna: Only contagious through saliva. Well, I didn't get any of his spit on me.

Private jumps on the book suddenly as he continues to pretend he has have Avain Insanity fever.

Private: Hello!

He licks his flipper and the presses it on Shauna's lips. Shauna spits out in disgust and drops the book with Private on it.

Shauna: Ew!

She screams as she goes out of the room. Private goes to the cage while Kowalski is stroking the bars and Skipper and Rico are watching Private. Private unlocks the cage and the door falls over but Kowalski is still stroking where the bar had been.

Private: I'm sorry Skipper.
Skipper: (still tipsy from the medicine) That was a noble sacrifice you made, Private. Maybe it's just the medicine talking. Are you naked? Oh, we are all naked!
Private: Um, no.

Skipper shakes his head and the medicine wears off.

Skipper: (back to normal) Ok, it is the medicine. Anyway, forget what I said before. This is the proudest I've ever been.
Private: She really was wonderful. (sighs)
Skipper: And that's why you never beat yourself up over the ladies. Love has enough sting of its own.

Shauna appears as she opens the door with a green mask covering her mouth and a needle in her hand.

Shauna: Almost forgot!
Private: Ow!

Private yelps in pain as Shauna injects him.

Kowalski and Rico: Ew!

Private is seen rubbing his bottom where Shauna injected him.

Skipper: Told ya.


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