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Scene I: Penguin Habitat
Outside the Penguin's HQ, a man and two kids are looking unamused and uninterested as the Penguins are trying to pull off some "cute" antics, one boy yawns as he watches.
Private: (dancing as he talks nervously) Waddle waddle, tip! Waddle waddle kick! Spin!
Skipper: Slap a smile on that face, Private! (Rico is seen moon-walking in on the scene, then doing some Michael Jackson-esque poses.) Rico, it's a waddle, not a strut!
Rico: Dig it, baby.
Kowalski appears, jumping out of the pool.
Kowalski: "Feed the Penguins" fish buckets are completely sold out, Skipper!
Skipper: Lets give 'em a reason to toss that tuna boys. Converge!
Rico and Skipper and start rolling on the ground and Private and Kowalski walk backwards on them, performing another trick. They all then stick their tongues out and gesture towards their mouths, indicating that they want to be fed by their still unamused audience.
Man #1: Eh... Maybe the Polar Bear's got some new material...
The Man and the two children walk away as the man throws the fish behind his back and it hits Kowalski in the face.
Kowalski: The Polar Bear? (scoffs) Sure he's the biggest carnivore on land, but can he do this?
Kowalski starts to hip-dance. Skipper and Rico look on shocked and slightly nauseated. Skipper moves quickly to stop him.
Skipper: They're gone, Kowalski, and that ain't gonna bring them back.
Rico inhales and swallows the fish, but Skipper and Kowalski look at him, leading to Rico regurgitating the fish back up and offering it back to them, only for them to look disgusted.
Private: This is even less than yesterday.
Skipper: Well clearly, the people have become immune to our adorable antics. I blame the internet, with its plethora of cheap puppy videos.
Private: (indignantly) But, BUT, I NEED MY FISH!!
Skipper: (smacks Private) And you'll get your fish! We just need to step up our cute-n-cuddly game! Kowalski options!
Kowalski: I'd say this problem needs a fat serving of cold, hard science!
Skipper: (sarcastically) Yes, because nothing's cuter than science.
Kowalski looks hurt at Skipper's sarcasm.
Skipper: (reluctantly) Fine.
Scene II: Penguin HQ
Inside the Penguins' HQ, Kowalski is pressing buttons on a new invention of his as Skipper watches.
Skipper: Well it hums. I like that in a device.
Kowalski: Well that "hum" is the motion-capture node, tracking the subject's cuteness levels, and I shall call it the "Adorablizer!"
Skipper: Humming, and a name that ends in "-izer!" Even I'm geeking out!
Skipper and Kowalski turn to face Rico, who has a plunger on his head, which is attached to the machine.
Kowalski: Now, lets check your natural irresistibility levels. Do something, ya know... cute
Rico poses in a sissy-like manner while his eyes space out in different directions and his tongue is sticking out. The machine's lever wiggles weakly as a result.
Kowalski: Yeah okay, that would be more... "acute" (under his breath; to Skipper) Psychosis.
Skipper: Let's embrace the obvious.
Skipper then takes another plunger that is hooked up onto the machine and places it onto Private's head and smacks him to the front of the machine. The lever then moves up to the yellow area on the machine.
Kowalski: Impressive! Even without trying you're at 48% cuteness!
Private: Yaaay! (the machine's level moves higher)
Skipper: 52% cute is still 48% fail! (to Private) Now flap and hop for me! Flap it like a pretty song bird!
Private starts flapping his flippers in a feeble manner.
Kowalski: Cut waggle angle to 32 degrees!
Private stops flapping and points his tail up in the air facing at the others.
Rico: Go boom!
Private jumps up and lands on his butt.
Rico: AGAIN! (Private does it again)
Skipper: Doe Eyes!
Private turns around and his eyes turn big and round.
Skipper: --Now blink 'em! (Private smiles and starts blinking) Bat 'em! (Private blinks faster) Bat 'em like the babe!
Private: (with his eyes huge and blinking really fast) I can't push it any cuter, Skipper!
Skipper: (jumps up and faces Private) Dig deep, man! What doesn't kill you only makes you more adorable!
Private starts to show strain in his face as the lever reaches the orange area on the machine, an alarms sounds as this happens.
Skipper: Now, imagine a Lunacorn, hugging a baby duckling... UNDER A RAINBOW!!
Private's eyes turn into a swirl of pink and purple as he giggles at the thought. The lever is now in the red area on the machine and the alarms sounds more dangerous.
Kowalski: We're red-lining Skipper! 100% adorability!
Skipper: Cute mission accomplished! Stand down. Private?
Private is screaming in agony and shuddering violently, and the lever is going haywire.
Skipper: (concerned) Private? PRIVATE!! Cut the cute!!
Suddenly, Private find himself doing an innocent-looking pose as a rainbow suddenly appears above him. This causes the machine to explode and everyone is hurled everywhere. Private regains consciousness and notices what has happened, takes off the plunger and checks to see if everyone's okay.
Private: Skipper, what happened?
Skipper: (looking winded) Kowalski, talk to me.
Kowalski: (holding the lever to the machine, looking surprised) It appears Private has discovered some sort of "Quantum Hyper Cute!" 132% adorability!
Private: Is that even possible?
Kowalski: Scientifically, no.
Skipper: (goes to Private's side, looking proud) Way to stake it to science, Private! Now let's go "cute" us up some fish!
Scene III: Penguin Habitat
Outside the Penguin's HQ, a man, a woman, and a girl are excitedly holding up some fish, goading the penguins to do their cute antics. The penguins are waving back at them.
Man #2: Hey!
Skipper: Steady... And... deploy "Hyper Cute!"
Private then does his Quantum Hyper Cute pose.
Overwhelmed by Private's cuteness, the man, woman, and girl all faint on the spot. Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico and in complete awe at the power of the Quantum Hyper Cute.
Skipper: Uh... Situation report?... Anyone?
Kowalski makes a mono-toned mumble at what he had just seen, Julien and Maurice enter.
Julien: Hey, what's up, Neighbor? I was stopping by to permanent borrow your--
Julien then notices the people that Private knocked out with his Quantum Hyper Cute and is terrified that the Penguins did this.
Julien: (gasps in horror) I-I saw nothing of this! Maurice is the only witness! (pushes Maurice into them) Quick, silence him while I flee into hiding at a Pennsylvania Dairy Farm!
Skipper: (stops Julien from running away) Relax, Ringtail! I'm sure the people are fine. See?
The people wake up as Skipper says this. They all look dazed and exhausted.
Julien: Oh! You have "bemagicked" them! Tell me, who among you is the Dark Wizard?
Rico: (The penguins step aside to show Private) That guy.
Private: I was just trying this new little thing I could do! You know, kind of a little... (uses the Quantum Hyper Cute as the other Penguins look away.) Boosh.
Julien: (lovingly) OH LOOK AT HOW CUTE-- TOO CUTE! TOO CUTE!!
Julien faints at Private's Cuteness. The people all faint again shortly after waking up.
Kowalski: Of course! It's exactly what happened to the machine! (holds up Julien's unconscious body to demonstrate his ecstatic expression) Their brains have overloaded from too much penguin adorability!
Skipper: Finally. The dream of a 1000 generations of Penguins has come true. We have weaponized cuteness! (hops out of the Habitat)
Private: But Skipper, I can't go knocking people out "willy-nilly" with a bat of the eyelashes.
Skipper: (pulls out a fish from the bucket outside their habitat) You totally can!
Kowalski: If this power fell into the wrong hands, it could be devastating! Still, no sense in letting all this fish go to waste! Hmm?
Scene IV: The Zoo
Kowalski, Rico, and Private all hop out of their Habitat and start feasting on the fish left behind from their unconscious audience.
Skipper: Ease that troubled conscience, Private. What we have discovered this day is a weapon of last resort. For only the most dire of emergencies!
Alice: WHAT in the World?!
The Penguins look up and see that Alice notices them out of their habitat and the unconscious people behind them.
Private quickly uses the Quantum Hyper Cute on Alice, causing her to grin, possibly against her own will.
Alice: (through her teeth) Why am I smiling? AAAWWWW!!!
Alice then faints from Private's cuteness. Private and Skipper step aside to avoid behind crushed by Alice's body.
Skipper: (impressed and mischievously) Oohoohoo! Effective! C'mon, lets do some more field tests!
Private: But you said it was only for dire emergencies!
Skipper: Let's not live in the past, Private! Move out!
Against Private's claims, Skipper grabs his flipper and they storm out with him, dragging Private.
Scene V: Gorilla Habitat
Inside the Gorilla Habitat, Bada and Bing are eating some bananas. Suddenly, their pile of bananas starts moving away from them to the right.
Bada: (jokingly) Hey yo Bing, you order those Bananas to go? Hehehe...
Bing: (jabbing Bada's chest, seriously) NEVER JOKE about the Bananas!
The Pile of Bananas are moving away only to bump into the Penguins, some bananas fall loose and reveal that the pile is being carried away by two sewer rats.
Skipper: Fruit jackers! I say this looks like an emergency...
Skipper then pulls in Private and physically holds him in front of the rats.
Private then uses the Quantum Hyper Cute. The rats and Gorillas smile at the cuteness and faint on the spot. Suddenly, Julien jumps out from beside a rock.
Julien: Ah-HA! My eyes have seen through the lies of your pointy mouths! You do have the magic! And I demand to know your sorcerous secrets!
Private: Honestly Julien, It's only-- (Skipper shoulders him to stop him)
Skipper: (defensively) Trying to steal our classified cuteness secrets? Emergency Private!
Private: Couldn't we just talk this out?
Skipper: (indignantly and overbearingly) EMERGENCY!!!
Skipper then picks up Private and holds him in front of Julien.
Julien: Now hold on a--!
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute off screen.
Julien: Aaww! (faints and assumes a dog position lying on its back)
Skipper: Anybody else loving this?!
Kowalski: Big time!
Rico: WOOO HOOO!!
Scene VI: Eggy's Nest/Central Park
The Mother Duck and her ducklings are headed for their nest.
Mother Duck: Settle down kids. Nap time.
Eggy: (in Julien's manner, from the last time they met) But I am not feeling the tired!
Skipper, Rico, and Private all suddenly pop up from out of Eggy's Nest, scaring Eggy and his family.
Private: (doubtfully) I hardly think this qualifies as a--
Skipper and Rico ignore Private and toss him in front of the ducklings, forcing him into doing the Quantum Hyper Cute. Kowalski covers the Mother Duck's eyes.
Eggy and Ducklings: Aawww!! (the ducklings all fall asleep at once)
In a tree a few feet away from them, Julien and Maurice are watching these events happen through some binoculars at Private, who is smiling at the ducklings.
Julien: Okay, the magic seems to be coming from the little round Penguin's face! (pulls the binoculars away for a second) Uh oh, the Skipper one has spotted me!
Maurice: (gets that all on a notepad) What's he doing?
Julien: He's pointing this way and saying something that looks like:
Through Julien's binoculars, we see Skipper and Private staring directly at Julien while Skipper is saying something that Julien translates as:
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute off screen.
Julien: Aaww! (faints and falls out of the tree with his binoculars)
Scene VII: The Zoo
The Penguins are now seen walking through the Zoo.
Skipper: Boys, this Quantum Hyper Cute weapon is the dawn of a brand-new day!
Private: Skipper, I'm really not comfortable with--
Kowalski: (concerned) Speaking of day, I'm pretty sure the Zoo's now open, shouldn't we be in stealth mode?
Skipper: (confidently) Why?
A woman holding a drink and a pretzel gasps as she sees the Penguins.
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute and knocks out the woman, Skipper catches her drink and pretzel.
Private: (offendedly) Skipper?
Skipper: If we can hold a monopoly on this adorable technique--
The Penguins encounter a family.
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute and knocks out the family.
Skipper: We can completely eliminate the Zoo crime rate in--
The Penguins encounter Alice again.
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute and knocks out Alice again.
Skipper: --less than six months tops!
Private: Skipper! I need to talk to-- (walk past Marlene, excitedly)
Marlene: Hey guys, guys! You'll never believe what I just saw over in the--
Private uses the Quantum Hyper Cute and knocks out Marlene.
Private: What? How is Marlene an Emergency?!
Skipper: (confidently) Private, I can smell a boring anecdote from 1.6 clicks away.
Skipper tosses away the Drink and Pretzel while Private sputters in confusion and defiance. Suddenly the penguins encounter the Julien and Maurice, who looks confident.
Julien: Haha! This is how I laugh in triumph, because I have puzzled out your wizarding trickery! (pulls out a box) It's the cute one, right? Well, guess what? We have one of those guys too! (takes off the box to reveal Mort)
Mort: Face race! Ready?
Julien: Now Mort! Magic their faces with tiny cuteness!
Mort tries to pull off the Quantum Hyper Cute as well, but only shows strain and cannot do it at all.
Julien: (disappointed) You call that cute? I've sneezed out cuter things than that.
Kowalski: They're closing the cuteness gap, Skipper...
Now Private is standing there crossing his arms, refusing to use the Quantum Hyper Cute.
Skipper: (indignantly) Emergency! (indignantly with more emphasis) Emergency!! (exaggerated and overbearingly) EMERGENCY!!!!
Private: I won't do it! Not now, not ever again!
Kowalski and Rico gasp and back away as Skipper gets angry and grabs Private by the collar.
Skipper: This is insubordination, soldier! Do you really want this weapon to fall into the wrong hands?! (gestures to the lemurs)
Private: Don't you see, Skipper?! We are the wrong hands!
Rico: Huh? (looks at his own flippers in confusion)
Private: We're already dropping the Quantum Hyper Cute on our own friends! The world's flipped topsy-turvy and I'm the flipper!
Suddenly a cage fall on top of Private and imprisons him.
Alice: GOTCHA!! HA! HA! You guys are in big trouble this time!
Three more cage fall and imprison Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico but not on Julien and Maurice as they ran off. Skipper tries to reach for Private.
Skipper: Private! Slap yourself!
Private: (pouts) No!
Skipper makes an aggravated groan of defeat.
Scene VIII: Alice's Office
The Penguins are still in their cages as Alice is on the phone in an effort to have them transferred. The Penguins all look defeated while Rico is gnawing at his cage bars.
Alice: I can't kept them in their habitat anymore! I'm telling you, these birds need to be in higher security! I'm calling Hoboken!!
The other Penguins gasp in fear and anger at Alice's decision.
Alice: You can't take them?!? Really?!? Well, what do you suggest? (pauses, intrigued) There's a supermax zoo? Coboken? Oh... Copenhagen.
Skipper: (silent for a few seconds, utterly horrified) Denmark!
Alice: Great! Lemme round up some shipping crates! (leaves)
Skipper: (desperately) Private! If ever a crisis called for cute force, THIS IS THAT CRISIS!!!
Private: No! I swore I'd never use my adorability as a weapon again, and I meant it!
Skipper: Then you leave me no choice...
Skipper hops in his cage to surround Private with Kowalski.
Private: Kowalski, you too? I thought you agreed this was a dangerous weapon!
Skipper: Which is the best kind! What good is a safe weapon?
Kowalski: He has a point...
Skipper: Now, are you gonna use your Quantum Cute on Alice, or do you want Rico to get "Cute" on you?!
Rico rattles in his cage with anger.
Private notices the door to Alice's office is open.
Private kicks at his cage and falls off of Alice's desk, he then proceeds to "roll" away and out the door, still in his cage.
Skipper: Engage Blocky Hamster Ball Pursuit!
The other penguins fall off of Alice's desk and chase after Private out the door, also still in their cages
Scene IX: The Zoo
Private is chased by the other Penguins out of the building and out into the Zoo's lobby towards their habitat. Rico out rolls Private and stops his before their habitat.
Skipper: Kowalski, left flank! Box him in at--
Private notices Skipper making orders to stop him and so he twirls his cage around and hits Skipper, knocking him away towards Kowalski and knocking him down too. Private turns to face Rico who rolls away from him, suddenly Skipper's cage knocks over and pins Private's cage.
Skipper: Submit, Private! It's the only way!
Private leans forward and knocks off Skipper and continues to roll away to lose him and the others. The Penguins are now circling each other in an effort to catch Private.
Private: You've taken something wonderful, and twisted it to your own selfish ends!
Skipper: Denmark, Private! You know why I can't go back there!
Private: No, I don't! You never told me!
As the Penguins are circling each other, a group of people surround and watch them in delight.
Woman #1: Oh my gosh! Look at the Penguins!
Man #2: They're like little Penguin Hamster Balls! That's the cutest thing I've ever seen!
The people coo and awe at the Penguins, whom have now surrounded and caught Private. Skipper is smacking Private in the face. Alice comes back pushing through the crowd, looking angry.
Alice: YOU! I don't know how you got out again, but I've got a one-way crate to Copenhagen with your names on it!
The people then begin to boo and berate Alice for trying to take away the penguins, much to the latter's frustration. A little girl is seen holding up a stuffed Penguins doll to show that she wants them to stay. Angry and defeated at the crowd's demands, Alice gives up.
Alice: FINE!! We'll keep the maniacs. Bah! Whatever...
The crowd cheers that the Penguins will stay, to their shock.
Scene X: Penguin Habitat
Outside the Penguin's HQ, Rico is seen rolling around in his cage enthusiastically, Private has a fish, and Skipper is shocked to believe that they were saved by the humans.
Rico: Eh? Eh?
Skipper: Can't believe it! We weren't even trying!
Kowalski: Never underestimate the simple power of Penguin irresistibly!
Skipper: (sighs) You win Private. I guess you can put the Quantum Hyper Cute out of commission.
Private: (eats the fish) Done.
Skipper: --And may its intoxicating preciousness never be seen again.
Scene XI: Lemur Habitat
In the Lemur Habitat, Mort is still trying to pull off the Quantum Hyper Cute. Julien and Maurice are watching him waiting for results. Julien is seen wearing a purple wizard outfit.
Julien: Anything yet?
Maurice: Well, I'm feelin' kinda queasy.
Mort farts from the strain.
Mort: (giggles) I cuted!