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Can't Touch This/Transcript

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Cant-Touch-This-title

Scene I: Central Park Zoo entrance

Fade in to the Central Park Zoo's entrance.

Scene II: Penguin HQ

Skipper is holding a fish behind his back.

Skipper: Okay, boys.

Takes out the fish from behind his back

Skipper: I got a fresh Scarlet Snapper here. And it's yours for the taking. All you gotta do...

We see that in between Skipper and the rest of the penguins are many mousetraps scattered on the floor.

Skipper: ...is come and get it.
Private: But Skipper, the floor's covered in mousetraps.
Skipper: Razor sharp observation there, young Private!
Kowalski: This would complicate fish acquisition.
Skipper: This magnificent catch goes to the man who has the wits, ingenuity, and cunning...!

He's interrupted by mousetraps being set off. Rico has made his way to Skipper, his body covered in mousetraps. He takes the fish and licks it. Skipper, looking a bit unsatisfied, looks to Rico

Skipper: Or Rico. It goes to Rico.

A kid's scream is heard from outside. Skipper puts his flipper to his lips.

Skipper: Shh! Do you hear the cry of an innocent child? Move out, men!

Skipper leaves through the outside entrance. Rico eats the fish and follows him. A scared Private gets Kowalski to pick him up. Kowalski carries Private through the mousetraps. Unfortunately, he sets one off. In pain, he drops Private, and the results aren't pretty.

Scene III: Children's Zoo

At the Children's Zoo, Alice is talking with a young kid. There is a sheep named Randy behind them.

Boy: (sad) I wasn't doing nothing, just pettin' the sheep, and then...(crying) he BIT ME!!

The boy starts crying. Randy gives an annoyed look.

Alice: On behalf of the Central Park Zoo, I'm legally required to tell you I'm sorry. Okay?

The penguins are watching this from behind a stone wall. Kowalski and Private, as the result of their slip-up, are covered in mousetraps.

Skipper: A biter at the petting zoo. Just when you've think you've seen all the sick the world can throw at you.
Alice: (pulling Randy by leash) Come on, you!

Alice takes the Randy away.

Skipper: Someone's got to take that fluffy punk down!

Private removes the mousetrap from his beak.

Private: You think so, Skipper? I mean it does look like Alice is taking charge.
Skipper: With this zoo's revolving door justice system, he'll be back to chewing on children in no time!
Kowalski: And now that he's tasted human blood, there'll be no satisfying his depraved thirst!

Rico gets a hungry look on his face and lets his tongue drop. Kowalski gives him a stern look. Rico puts his tongue in his mouth.

Skipper: So it's up to patriots like us to take the law into our own hands.

Scene IV: Outside a building

That night, the penguins climb down and go into a slightly open window. Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico slip in no problem. Private, however, gets stuck.

Private: Oof!

Scene V: Office

Private: (trying to squeeze through the window) Oh dear!

Finally, Private manages to get through only to land with a crash. This gets the attention of the Randy from the Children's Zoo, who's in a cage.

Randy: Huh? What? (backs away) Somebody there?
Skipper: (with a flashlight) Yeah, someone's here. Your worst nightmare.

Randy gasps.

Randy: A flying coyote with laser beam eyes?!?
Skipper: Um, no.

Then, looking and sounding surprised, reveals his comrades

Skipper: Four angry penguins!

The three take combat stances

Randy: Oh, phew. Cause when coyotes develop flight laser technology, it's game over, y'know.
Skipper: Can the lip flap sicko! This ain't our first time at the rodeo. We know what you did to that kid. Kowalski, options.

Kowalski takes out his notepad.

Kowalski: Let's see, we could go with the Norwegian Noogie or the West Indies Wedgie.
Skipper: (sarcastic) Why don't we just pin a corsage on him and take him to the prom? Come on, man!
Kowalski: In that case, I feel there's only one choice: the Conquistador Sunburn!

Rico regurgitates a conquistador helmet and puts it on his head. He tiptoes to the Randy

Randy: (sarcastic) Oh, great, great, fantastic. Well, I don't suppose anyone wants to hear MY side of the story!
Private: Well, I would, actually.

Skipper and the Randy look at Private, both looking slightly disappointed.

Private: I just think we should hear both sides of the story. Is that so wrong?
Skipper: (in a babyish tone.) I'm gonna put that in my naive question file, Private. Kowalski.
Kowalski draws something in his notepad, rips it out, and holds his pencil in his mouth, whilst he puts the sheet in an already overflowing file. Private gives Skipper begging puppy eyes.

Private: Pleeease, Skipper?
Skipper: Ugh, fine. (to Randy) Go ahead, Cotton ball. Explain to us what possible reason you could have for attacking an innocent child.
Randy: (stern) Innocent? Okay, let's start there.

Scene VI: Children's Zoo - Flashback

In a flashback, we see the same kid, hyperactive and torturing Randy.

Randy (vo): That kid was no innocent. His type is the scourge of the Children's Zoo. Boy: (screams in Randy's ear) Is this LOUD?!!!!!!!!???????? Randy (vo): All hopped up on churros and juice boxes.

Scene VII: Office

Private: (shocked) Well, after all that, I can understand why you snapped.
Randy: That?!? (laughs) No, that was nothing. You know what we call that in the petting zoo? Tuesday! (stern) It's what the little jerk did next that crossed the line.

Scene VIII: Children's Zoo - Flashback

The same hyper kid sneaks up to Randy and puts his hand on his wool. He pulls and a loud rip sound is heard. Randy gets a shocked look

Randy: OH!!!!!!!!!!

Camera pans in on the inside of his mouth

Randy: FOR THE LOVE OF-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene IX: Office

Randy shows his back. A section of his wool is bare.

Randy: (embarrassed and upset) He ruined my beautiful, beautiful fleece and left me...exposed!

The bare section throbs red. He turns around.

Randy: So, yeah, it was self defense.
Skipper: Oh, come on! It's the petting zoo!
Randy: It's "Thunder Dome". It's a non-stop parade of grubby, grimy, grabby hands! I mean, do you know what it takes to get candy apple out of this coat? Do you?!?
Kowalski: Um, Club Soda?
Randy: Oh, hey, that might work. But still, it's the principle!
Skipper: Look, men, we pegged...
Randy: "Randy".
Skipper: ...Randy here all wrong.
Private: Um, I didn't, actually.
Skipper: Sure you did. You were acting like judge and jury!

Private just stares at him, blankly and blinks.

Skipper: Well, anyway, that's the past. He needs our help.
Kowalski: Skipper, I've been working on a compound to protect us during combat. It may be just what the doctor ordered.

Scene X: Penguin HQ

At the Headquarters, Kowalski applies a blue spray onto Randy's wool. He removes his goggles.

Kowalski: Ah, there! I've coated Randy's wool with a kinetic energy repelling polymer that will protect him from the sticky hands of churroed-up children.
Skipper: Outstanding. You are home free, amigo!

Skipper slaps Randy on the back, sending him bouncing all around the Penguin HQ. Everyone looks at him.

Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: What, Skipper?
Skipper: The bouncing?
Kowalski: Yes, he is...

Randy collides into Skipper and Kowalski and they crash off screen.

Scene XI: A few minutes later

Skipper: Men, I need options. And not our normal options. The options we bust out for special guests.

Rico regurgitates a balloon and shows it to Skipper.

Skipper: Ah, Rico. I admire your cocky swagger, (Rico nods) but we should save the party until after we've achieved victory.
Kowalski: Skipper, I believe Rico is proposing to rub the balloon against Randy's woolly coat, thus creating a static charge that should prove most shocking.
Rico: Yaber-doodle!
Skipper: Oh, sure, that ought to keep him out of the kiddy's clutches. Go to it, Rico.

Rico begins rubbing the balloon all over Randy's wool, while Kowalski uses a stopwatch to time him. Three hours later...

Kowalski: And three...(stops the stopwatch) hours! All right, Randy! You are all charged up.
Randy: You really think this'll work?
Rico: Oh, yeah!

Rico's mohawk suddenly bends. He gets pulled to Randy's wool like metal to a magnet.

Rico: Uh oh.

He tries to run against the magnetic pull, but he collides with Randy. This shocks them both, and causes a blackout in the Penguin HQ. Although a second later we see Randy and Rico, lit up blue, for a split second, due to the extreme static charge running through them.

Scene XII: Penguin Habitat

Due to the power outage, the penguins and Randy are outside. Smoke come up from Rico's mohawk.

Skipper: Ok, Randy, we're changing tactics. We can't keep the kids' paws off you.

Rico puts out the smoke.

Kowalski: But maybe we can make it so you don't mind.
Private: (takes out a pocket-watch) Hypnosis.
Randy: Should I be freaked by this?
Private: No, no, no. Randy, I assure you, I'm a hypnosis expert. I saw it on the telly.
Randy: (sighs) Whatever. Let's give it a whirl.
Private: Okay, then. (swings the pocket-watch while everyone else watches) Stare at the watch.

Randy begins to fall into a trance.

Private: And ree-laxx...

Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico also fall into a trance as the pocket watch swings. As soon as he's done, he gets a little confused at the results.

Private: They didn't do it like this on the telly.

We see that Private has hypnotized Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Randy into believing they're chickens! Rico pecks Private's rear.

Private: (jumping back) Ow!

Scene XIII: Penguin HQ

After the power comes back on, and after Private has snapped everyone else out of their trances, the five are in the HQ. They also have something hidden under a yellow sheet.'

Randy: (with regret) Might as well just accept it. My future is nothing but chocolate, cotton candy, and lollipops.
Private and Rico: Yum!
Randy: STUCK ON MY WOOLLY BUTT!!!

He storms off.

Private: Oh. Yuck!
Rico: Oh...Yum!
Kowalski: (looking at his notepad) Some new facts have come to light. Like: Did you know a petting zoo is not a sheep's natural habitat?
Randy: I had no idea! I lived my whole life in petting zoos!
Skipper: We found this in the Zoovenier Shop.

He uncovers a farm play set.

Skipper: Apparently, it's called a "farm". Kowalski, voice analysis.

Kowalski approaches the play set and places his flipper on a button.

Kowalski: Home to horsies...

He pushes the button, and a horse neighs.

Kowalski: ...piggies...

He pushes the button and a pig oinks.

Kowalski: ...and sheep.

He pushes it again and a sheep bleats.

Randy: I don't sound like that, do I?
Rico: Yup.
Private: The point is, won't this be a smashing place to live, Randy?
Randy: To live? Really?

Randy goes to the toy farm entrance and squeezes inside.

Randy: It's a little snug, but...

He manages to get in and sits down.

Randy: Ahhh...It's good to be home.
Kowalski: Yeah, uh, Randy. You know that's just a toy. Actual farms are much larger.

A minute of silence, then...

Randy: Ha! Yeah! Huh. (standing up) Do I look like an idiot?
Rico: ...Yup.
Private: Ooh, one thing. If we take Randy to a farm, won't Alice notice he's missing?
Skipper: Not a problem.

Scene XIV: Lemur Habitat

The penguins have explained the situation to King Julien and Mort. Julien is sitting on his throne.

Julien: Wait, wait, wait, let me be (stands up) standing under this. You (gets off his throne) want to 'borrow' Mort so you can help some guy I care nothing about get to a fuh-arm?
Skipper: That is the plan.
Julien: Eh...no.
Mort: Yay! King Julien loves me!
Julien: You cannot borrow Mort because borrow says you will bring him back. (to Mort) Bye-bye, Mort.

King Julien gently pushes Mort away with his tail.

Mort: See? That's a love shove.

Scene XV: Children's Zoo

We see that Mort's neck is covered in shaving cream. The penguins are behind the stone wall.

Mort: I'm a sheep! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

A gob of shaving cream falls off.

Private: Do you think Alice will buy it?
Skipper: Are you kidding? The resemblance is uncanny.
Randy: (flirty) Hey, fluff 'n stuff. How's it goin'?
Skipper: All right, men, commence phase two of Operation: Steal Wool.

The penguins look at Skipper in confusion.

Skipper: S-t-e-a-l. You gotta read it to get it. Private's idea.
Skipper smiles at this. Private looks shocked at the fact that Skipper blamed him.

Scene XVI: Central Park Zoo

We see two workers talking. One of them is having coffee.

Worker 1: Hey, I thought you were taking that truck upstate to that farm?
Worker 2: Ah, the new guy said he'd do it.
Worker 1: New guy?

Using a cleverly crafted disguise, the truck with the penguins and Randy in it drive up to them.

Speak 'n Spell: Adios, amigos.

The truck drives off.

Scene XVII: On the road

In the truck, Randy comes out of his hiding spot.

Randy: Is it safe?
Skipper: (removing the hat) All clear!

The truck drives down the road. In the truck, Kowalski is drawing lines on a map of Italy with a ruler.

Kowalski: Let's see...estimated travel time at approximately three inches per hour, one hour and 45 minutes.

Cut to Kowalski's map of Italy. A drawing of a truck goes around a volcano.

Skipper (vo): Are you sure this is the right map, Kowalski?
Kowalski (vo): (unsure) Pretty sure.

Cut to the truck. Rico and Private are looking out the windows. Private sees something and takes out a notepad.

Private: Ooh, (writing something) we don't have Oklahoma yet!

Rico punches Private, knocking him down.

Private: Ow!
Rico: (a thud is heard in the truck) Punch buggy!

Cut back to the map. The truck drives straight into a river, then out of it.

Kowalski (vo): Giant lemonade on your left, Skipper.
Skipper (vo): You sure about this map?

Cut to the inside of the truck. Private, Kowalski, Rico, and Randy are holding their crotches tossing and turning and whimpering, showing that they need to go to the bathroom.

Skipper: Why didn't you go at the last rest stop?
Private: We didn't have to, then.

Cut back to the map. The truck drives over a plate of spaghetti and touches the leaning tower of Pisa, that is currently upright.

Skipper (vo): It is a map of New York?
Kowalski (vo): Uh, it is a map.

The leaning tower of Pisa tips over suddenly. Cut to upstate, Skipper stops the truck, squinting.

Skipper: I can't see a blasted thing!

It shows, now, an opaque window, at the front of the truck.

Kowalski: The combination of grease, mud, and dead bugs have completely obscured the road. If only we had some sort of absorbent cloth or shammy of which which to clean the windshield.

The penguins look at Randy. Outside, the penguins are using Randy's wool as a washcloth to clean the windshield.

Randy: (uncomfortable) Just hurry up, okay?

Scene XVIII: Farm

In the truck, Kowalski is looking at the map.

Kowalski: If my calculations are correct, and they usually are, we should be able to see the farm any...

The truck comes to a stop at the farm.

Skipper: There it is! I saw it first! I did.
Private: Ooh. Rustic!
Randy: And much bigger than the toy!

The group gets out of the truck.

Skipper: Here at the...farm, you will find your bliss.

Rico whacks Randy's rear with a board of wood. Randy is thrown over the fence and into the farm. He stands up.

Randy: And so begins my beautiful farm life.

He walks around and finds two ewe The two ewe are in a cult-like trance.

Randy: Hey, uh, you know where I can find the sheep?
Ewe: Take off your coat. Stay a while.
Randy: Wait, you're-? Wait, you're sheep? No, but you're all--!
Ewe (variously): Sheared? Yes. You will love the shears.
Randy: (a bit freaked out) The shears?!?
Ewe (variously): Be a brand new ewe. (chanting) Shears...

As the two ewe start chanting "Shears..."  over and over, a few more ewe in a cult-like trance joined in with them, and then a lot more even, repeatedly stepping, slowly, stepping towards Randy. He screams in panic.

Randy: AAAAAAAAH!!!
Randy chases the truck driving away.
Randy: WAAAAAAIT!!!

Scene XIX: Children's Zoo

The penguins see Randy back in the Children's Zoo eating leaves.

Private: So Randy's right back where he started. Poor guy...
Skipper: Actually, Private, (winking) I don't think you need to worry.
Child: Aw, yeah!

The penguins look at the boy, slightly disgusted.

Child: I'm gonna get me a sheep!

The child races up to Randy, but Randy does a sweeping kick and knocks the hyper kid away, sending him screaming and landing on a hay bale.

Skipper: Rico and I showed him a few moves.

Rico makes a karate pose. The kid get knocked out of the Children's Zoo, screaming, after a second attempt to hurt Randy.

Skipper: (Smiling happily) Ah, if you can't join 'em, BEAT 'EM!



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