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Brain-Drain-Title

Scene I

(Alice is hauling a large bucket of fish)

Alice: Stinky, disgusting, filthy...

(Walks in front of penguin habitat)

Alice: (groan) Bon Appetit! Can't wait till the automated feeder arrives...

(Alice walks away)

Skipper: That makes two of us sister. (Rico picks up some fish and eats it)

Private: Poor Alice doesn't get much satisfaction from her work.

Skipper: Let's not empathize with the zoo keeper, Private! It dulls your edge.

(The concrete island starts to shake and blue smoke comes spurting out of the fish bowl with Kowalski screaming, flying out; Kowalski lands)

Private: Kowalski, are you okay?


Kowalski: (coughing) Yeah, yeah I'm fine, but my cold fusion beverage chiller is about to obliterate every living creature within a 5 mile radius.


Skipper: Splendid. Another one of your inventions endangers us all. Rico, terminate Kowalski's latest disaster!

(Rico vomits up a bazooka and jumps into the HQ)

Kowalski: If only I can boost my brain power from super genius to super mega genius!

(There is an explosion underneath them as Rico deals with the device)

Private: Gosh, Kowalski, I think your brain power's already tip-top!

Kowalski: You also think that there's a little man in the fridge who turns the light on and off.

Private: (determined) And one day I'll catch him!

Kowalski: No. My brain must be better! (pounds his flipper once then raises it in the air) And it will be! I will be the- AAAHH!!! (Accidentally walks over the fishbowl entrance and falls into the underground HQ) Ow!

Skipper: Not off to a great start.

Scene II

(Kowalski starts mixing up various chemicals and he drinks the solution. Then he flips some switches on a device next to him, then he plugs in a bunch of wires attached to the machine to his head. Finally, he switches the machine on and electricity starts to surge all around his body. He laughs crazily as the plugs come off his head.)

Kowalski: (exiting his lab) I did it!

(the penguins turn around. Rico and Private are shocked and Skipper just stares seriously, not impressed.)

Kowalski: I have supercharged my brain! (Camera shows Kowalski's massive head, which charges up)


Skipper: Hey! New noggin? Good on you!


Private: It's quite uhh... bulbous...


Kowalski: Isn't it? All I had to do was eradiate massive quantities of Omega three fatty acids then add-

(Kowalski gets cut off by the sound of Rico chewing his cards)

Kowalski: (arrogantly) Pfft! Why am I even bothering? All you tiny brain folk need to know is that I am now the smartest penguin on Earth!


Private: Weren't you already that?


Kowalski: Well... yeah! (chuckles) But I am wa-a-ay smarter now! I can do anything! (takes out a clip board and starts scribbling on it) Cure the common cold, solve string theory, calculate "π" to the 1,000,000th digit...! (Throws clipboard to the side and smirks)


Rico: Yay! Pie! (Throws flippers in the air; Kowalski gives him a weird look)

Kowalski: Well, if anybody needs me I'll be pushing the envelope of fluid structural dynamics and Mocha regenerative machines! (goes into his lab and slams the door)

Rico: Pie?


Private: Sorry, Rico no pie. But it is almost lunch time.


Rico: Yay!

Scene III

Skipper: What is the chow holdup?
Rico: FIIIIIIIISH!
Private: I am a bit peckish, Skipper. Where is Alice?
(At the zoo storage, Alice is seen with her new automated zoo animal feeding launcher. She reads some instructions)

Alice: The Automated Animal Feed Distribution System takes the hassilin' mess out of (scoffs) Blah blah blah! Let's just fire this baby up! (Alice pushes a button which activates the machine. A bulge in the hose-like tube emerges, along with a second one. It shoots out a bale of hay to Burt's habitat. Next, the machine shoots a heap of bananas for the gorillas. Also, it shoots out fruits for Julien.) Julien: (happily) Hehe. Look Maurice. The sky spirits are giving to us a fruitious bounty. Maurice: Huh? (a pineapple from the machine lands in his hands)Ooh. Mort: (giddily jumping from side to side) I got it. I got it. (More fruit lands on Mort in a frowny-face position. He topples over) Alice: (happy with his success) Yes! I'll never have to schlep food to these lazy animals again! (Alice walks off. More items shoot out from the machine)

Scene IV

(Later, Skipper is seen looking through the binoculars) Skipper: (impressed) Ooh, looks like Alice got herself some heavy artillery. Nice! (One single fish lands on the penguins HQ cover) Rico: Huh? Private: What? That's not all, is it? Skipper: She can't expect us to share just one fish! (He realizes that Rico has eaten the fish) Did you miss the word "share"? Rico: Hmm? (Another explosion comes out of the HQ. Kowalski lands in front of the others) Skipper: Kowalski! I thought you big new noggin was going to prevent those kinds of shenanigans. Private: Did your cold fusion beverage chiller go wrong again? (Kowalski stands up, his head still in the same shape) Kowalski: No. It worked perfectly: along with the nuclear powered bagel toaster, though the positronic tongue cleaner and the subatomic nail trimmer. (Smoke is coming out of the HQ) Skipper: So this was, uh... Kowalski: Ultrasonic earwax recycler. Rico: Ew.

Kowalski: I don't understand this. My calculations were flawless. Oooh. Forget to convert from metric. But how... how did I make such a stupid mistake? (His cranium begins to shrink) (The others look puzzled)

With my heightened... (head shrinks some more) You know... intelligence... stuff. I should be more... gooder.

Skipper: Um, Kowalski...

Kowalski: (hangs his head) That sounded kinda not so smartery. (his head deflates to minimal size) (wipes his beak) You don't suppose that whosadingit thing I did with my brain was just tempo... (struggles to say the word 'temporary' whilst slapping his face)

Private: Temporary?

Kowalski: Uh-huh! That one! (points his fllipper) (Private and Skipper glance at each other)

Scene V

(Cut to the HQ, where stupid Kowalski is rocking back and forth hanging onto his toes)

Kowalski: I like peanuts...and I like...butter! But I do not like peanut butter. Weird!

Skipper: Something's gone horribly wrong with Kowalski's brain. Private, until we resolve this, you're my new options guy.

Private: Yay! (while Rico grumbles in anger)

Skipper: Now, how do we fix Kowalski? Options! Private: Oh, ah, um... Ask Kowalski? Skipper: Rico! You're my new options man! How do we fix Kowalski? Rico: Bing! (hefts a croquet mallet) (Skipper stops Rico just short of bashing Kowalski's head with the mallet)

Skipper: (sighs) Fine, we go with the Private's plan. (forcefully brings Kowalski's head to his face) Kowalski! Concentrate real hard. How do we help you?

Kowalski: Eggs... are... egg shaped! Mhahaha, that's funny.

Rico: Oh boy.

Skipper: So we're stuck with the stupid Kowalski. Well, maybe it's a good thing. I mean, we're all getting tired of his big, high, faleeting words like recalcitrant, right? I mean, what is that?! Recalcitrant. Do I look recalcitrant to you?

Rico: (nods his head) Mmm-hmm.

Kowalski: Oh yeah! Up high! (to Rico, but he leaves him hanging)

Private: But, Skipper...

Skipper: No buts, Private. I've had with your buts.

Kowalski: (smirks) Butts.

Skipper: Lets concentrate on what we can fix. Starting with our corrupt situation. Operation: Fish Fry is a... (looks) How did you even manage that!?

Kowalski: (with a plunger stuck to his face) Can't hear you! Toilet stick on face!

Scene VI

(A truck passes through the city, and Private is on lookout)

Private: Sea food truck approaching! (Skipper appears)

Skipper: Check! I see it too! I want those tyres flatter than a flounder!

Private: Right! Deploying thumb tacks! (shakes to attempt to bring tacks out but nothing works) Um, anyone seen the thumb tacks? 

Rico: Um, hey.

Kowalski: Hm? (Rico points at Kowalski's behind, exposing the thumb tacks) Oh. DOWOWOWOWOW! (he smacks into the building wall) (the truck speeds past their location)

----

(shows a stoplight turning from amber to red, causing the truck to halt whilst in the view of the goggles used by Private)

Private: Truck in position!

(Rico hurls up a hookshot and aims it to connect onto a building across the road. He, Skipper and Private slide down the rope immediately onto the roof of the truck)

Skipper: Well done, men!

(Kowalski attempts to slide down as well, but falters down the rope hitting the other penguins off the truck)

---

Skipper: Last chance! Private, distract the driver. Rico, neutralize the lock. Kowalski... (looks behind to see him trying to pull off a hydrant) ...you keep doing whatever it is you're doing, I guess.

Kowalski: Aye aye, Skipper!

(Private knocks out the truck driver causing it to stop while Kowalski is still at the hydrant)

Kowalski: Think you're so smart? (Begins banging on it with his feet)

(Rico coughs up a flamethrower gun and uses it to burn the lock of the trunk. Kowalski uses his beak to repeatedly hit the valve of the hydrant until he accidentally turns it and rumbling start to happen) (The others are standing with the open trunk loaded of fish crates)

Skipper: Boys, do you smell what I... (a water jet knocks the penguins away)

Scene VII

(Back at penguins' habitat, Kowalski is sniffing his foot)

Skipper: This situation is not sustainable.

Private: Yes, I want the old Kowalski back.

Skipper: Huh? Oh yeah, that too. I was talking about our lack of lunch.

(Rico's belly rumbles) Rico: Ooh! (one fish lands onto the bowl)

Skipper: It's that blasted feed system! Squeezing the ever-loving life out of us! And wasting away to nothing! (picks up his gut)

Private: (laughs) Now, now, Skipper. Not quite. (pokes at Skipper's stomach) I mean, you still got a bit of spare time don't you? And er, some more on top of... (chuckles) Gosh, you're thin.

Skipper: We've got to slap that contraption into shape!

Kowalski: Yey! A mission! (runs offscreen to fall in the water) (Cuts to him struggling in the water) Help! I forgot how to... SWIM!

Private: You're an aquatic bird, Kowalski!

Kowalski: I'm a beaver?!

Skipper: Rico, go diving for dummies. (Rico goes and throws Kowalski onto the platform)

Skipper: I want a bungle-free operation. (Rico nods) Er... Kowalski! (Rico throws up a marker) You're on line duty! (A red circle has been drawn) I want you to follow this line. Now don't stop until you reach the end. Do you comprende? (Kowalski blankly stares) Do you understande?

Kowalski: I'm on it, Skipper! (starts to move around the circle) Follow the line, follow the line, follow the line, follow the line... (the others leave off without him) follow the line, follow the line, follow the line, follow the line, follow the... woah! (stumbles off the line, gets up and looks around) Aaah! I've lost the line!

---

(Kowalski runs over to a large behind, and picks up its tail)

Kowalski: WHERE IS THE LINE! (pans to reveal it was Roy's tail)

Roy: You've just crossed it, buddy boy!

(Kowalski gets launched into the air and lands on a tree in the background. The automated feeder is in the foreground with the other three penguins approaching the controls. Private rolls a trackball to control the cursor, which reveals the quantity of the penguins' food supply)

Skipper: One fish?! Ridiculous! Let's slap a zero on that bad boy! (He hits '0' on the number pad making it a quantity of ten fish)

(Kowalski is observing them from the tree while hanging upside down) Private: (offscreen) Ten fish! Well done, Skipper!

Skipper: Mmm, good, but it's missing a little something. Ooh, I know! (presses '0' again, showing it to be a quantity of 100 fish)

(Rico and Private cheer. Kowalski smiles enthuastically)

Skipper: Just gotta let these computers know who's boss. (the penguins jump off, and Kowalski falls out of the tree).

Kowalski: I was in a tree. (jumps onto the control desk) Listen to me, com-pu-ter. I am the boss! (he starts jumping on the number pad, adding many '0's to the screen to a total of 100,000 fish. He then starts walking onto the exterior of the tube)

Hey guys! I added eleventeen zeros! I... (he stumbles into the tube, with the machine moving position and Kowalski being shot out immediately)

Scene VIII

(Julien is looking bored, until he hears Kowalski screaming. Kowalski falls in front of Julien and Maurice)

Julien: No no, I do not want penguin for lunch. Gives me the gassies. Perhaps another water bird? Er... is the beaver fresh today?

Maurice: (picks up Kowalski) Nothing personal, you understand.

(Kowalski gets thrown onto the bouncy castle, and lands back in the penguin habitat where the red circle was. He wakes up to find the line)

Kowalski: Line! (hugs the floor) I found you!

Skipper: Ah boys, it won't be long till we're hit deep in halibut.

Kowalski: Oh Skipper! (waves) I lost the line for a while, but I found it again! (claps his flippers repeatedly) (gets hit by a fish) Dow! (the machine shoots another fish at his head) Hey!

(Hundreds of fish start being shot towards the penguin habitat, some hitting Kowalski)

Hey! It's raining fish! On my head!

Private: Skipper, I think that might be more than one hundred fish!

(Kowalski starts getting burried in a large pile of fish, still getting hit by those being shot) Kowalski: Help! I... ugh! ...forgot...ugh! ...how to swim... dah! ...in fish!

[The others jump into the Penguin habitat as Kowalski is being consumed inside the giant pile, holding out his flipper in desperation.]

Skipper: (worried) KOWALSKI!

[In the pile, Kowalski starts sniffing the fish surronding him]

Kowalski: Mmm, fish!? (he eats one) Yep, that's fish! (eats another one) I like fish! They taste nummy! (another one is eaten) And they have googly eyes!

[The other penguins start digging quickly into the fish pile] [Cuts back to Kowalski eating more fish]

Kowalski: And they travel in schools! (his brain enlarges) Schools... That's cause they're so smart! No, that's not right! Fish are stupid, but... (he gasps and he sees his brain grows once more) Eureka!

[He claps his flippers in amazement as it cuts to the others still digging through] [Kowalski emerges from the top of the fish pile though, his brain back to normal and feeling proud]

Kowalski: Oh, the brain is back, baby! [Private's glad as Skipper and Rico look in a confused way]

Private: Kowalski, are you smart again?

Skipper: (gives a deadpan look) Or at least less stupid?

Kowalski: Do alkaline earth metals have a +2 charge?

Skipper: He's back.

Private: But how did you restore your beautiful mind? [Kowalski slides down the fish pile]

Kowalski: Fish... are brain food!

Skipper: Brain food?

Kowalski: Yes. (brings up a chart of a fish) You see, fish are rich in omega-3 fatty acids, like eicosapentaenoic acids, and docosahexaenoic acids.

[The others stare dumbfounded as he speaks]

Rico: (annoyed) Boring!

Scene IX: Penguin HQ

[Everyone except Kowalski are at the table enjoying fish.]

Private: It sure is nice to have the old Kowalski back.

[An explosion happens off-screen, and Kowalski is shown flying across the screen screaming]

Skipper: It sure is, Young Private.

-----

THE END

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