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Assault and Batteries/Transcript

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General   OnLine   Lists   Trivia   Quotes   Photos   Other   Transcript    

Assault and batteries

Scene I: The Lemur Habitat

The zoo bell is ringing. The people in the zoo start to leave so that the workers can close it down for the day. Alice waves goodbye to the people who are leaving. Julien looks through binoculars, watching the people leave.

Julien: Ready, Maurice?

Alice starts to close the gate as she waves goodbye.

Julien: Wait for it. Almost there.

Alice closes the gate and then Julien looks at the clock.

Julien: (stops looking through the binoculars) Now!

Maurice starts playing music from the boombox and Julien, Maurice, and Mort start dancing.

Singer: To-night, to-night!
Julien: (happily) Yes! Now, begins the greatest boogie-oogie-oogie sound ever!

Scene II: The Ostrich and Chimpanzee Habitats

Rocks bounce up and down in the ostrich habitat from the loud music. Shelly hears the music and sticks her head underground. The chimpanzees each peel a banana. Phil sticks the banana in Mason's ear and the peel in his ear. Mason sticks the banana in his other ear and the peel in Phil's other ear.

Scene III: The Lemur Habitat

Singer: Get down, get down, with your…
Julien: Dance, my lemurs, dance! Ha ha!
Mort: (dancing) I like dancing.

The music continues to play as the evening turns into night.

Scene IV: The Lemur Habitat (Night time)

Singer: Shake shake shake your booty in your pants tonight.

Mort and Maurice dance halfheartedly.

Mort: (tired) I don’t like dancing.
Maurice: (tired) Ugh. My feet are killing me.
Julien: (not tired) Not as much as I will if you stop dancing.
Maurice: But, Your Majesty, we just can’t boogie-oogie-oogie like you.
Mort: (sad and whiny) I want to go to bed.

Mort starts crying a little bit.

Julien: (dancing) No. (had his tail tangled) Last week, the baboons shook their shiny red bottoms eighteen hours straight.

Julien's tail untangles.

Julien: (dancing) I will not be out-partied.

Scene V: Penguin HQ

The music shakes the inside of the penguin habitat. Skipper, who is awake, growls angrily, covers his ears, then turns over to get to sleep but it doesn’t work. Skipper jumps out of bed.

Skipper: Roll out, team. It’s time to terminate that tune!

He notices that the other penguins didn’t get up. He looks at them.

Skipper: Team?

Kowalski is asleep on his back with a pillow over his face. Rico is asleep, snoring, with one of his legs sticking upwards. Private is asleep with the pillow over the back of his head.

Skipper: On your feet, Private.

Private’s tail wiggles.

Skipper: (affectionately) Aw… If that isn’t the cutest thing. Looks like I’m flying solo.

Skipper goes over to Rico and hits his stomach. Rico regurgitates a grapple hook launcher, still asleep. Skipper catches it.

Scene VI: From The Penguin Habitat To The Lemur Habitat

Skipper slides over to the lemur habitat and hides behind a wall where he sees Julien’s tail shaking. Maurice and Mort are still dancing and Mort tiredly falls over onto the ground. Julien chuckles.

Julien: You call that a booty shake?

Skipper fires the grapple at a nearby tree and swings over to Julien's throne, hiding behind it. He jumps behind the boombox. He opens the hatch where the batteries are put. There are four batteries inside. Skipper rubs his flippers together delightedly.

Julien: (dancing) You must take the music inside of you...


Julien gestures toward himself, circling his arms toward his chest.


Julien: (dancing) ...swish it around...


Julien circles his hips around.


Julien: (dancing) ...and spit it out through your tail


Julien does a body wave through his tail.


Julien: (dancing) Try it with me. Take in the music…

He repeats the first gesture. The music suddenly stops. Julien blanches, then looks angrily at Mort and Maurice, who are still dancing tiredly.

Julien: (angrily) Hey, not all the music, you greedies!
Maurice: (tired) It wasn’t us.
Julien: But what else could make a boomy box stop booming?

Julien thinks and then sees Skipper waddling off which makes him gasp in shock.

Julien: Ah! A thief!

Julien runs after Skipper. Maurice and Mort smile at each other. Julien suddenly appears behind them and Maurice and Mort turn around, surprised.

Julien: Keep dancing.
Maurice: But there’s no music!
Julien: I’ll pretend I did not hear that.

Maurice and Mort looked at each other with sad faces. Then they began dancing again. Julien then runs after Skipper again.

Scene VII: The Zoo

Skipper runs, holding the four batteries that power the boombox. Julien chases Skipper.

Julien: (angrily) Hey! Come back here, you music hater!
Skipper: I don’t hate music. I hate noise.

Julien grabs two bananas and aims them at Skipper. He fires the bananas and they splatter on the ground in front of Skipper. Skipper, not looking where he‘s going, spins out of control and loses a battery. Julien dives and catches the falling battery. Skipper stops and sees that he has only three batteries now. Skipper looks at Julien, who dives at Skipper for the batteries. Skipper ducks and Julien flies over his head. Julien looked behind him angrily and then looked in front of him. Julien sees that he was about to hit a lamp post but puts out a hand. He grabs the lamp post, spins around it, and flies towards Skipper again. Julien grabs a battery and lands safely. He smiles evilly since he holds two batteries now. Julien looks at Skipper. Skipper starts waddling away from Julien. Julien sees a sleeping snake on a tree which gives him an idea.

Skipper: Ha, ha! Lost him.

Julien suddenly swings by Skipper on the snake, taking another battery. Julien lands and shows the three batteries to Skipper.

Julien: Ha, ha!

Skipper shows him the last battery he stole and jumps away from Julien. Julien looks at the three batteries and then throws them toward the lemur habitat angrily. He runs after Skipper with angrily.

Scene VIII: The Lemur Habitat (Later)

Maurice is lying down, drinking a smoothie with a twisty straw. Mort is still dancing.

Maurice: Mort, what are you doing?
Mort: (tiredly) I’m dancing.
Maurice: Give it a rest. Julien has no way of knowing if we’re dancing or not.
Mort: (claps his hands together with happiness) Oh, you’re right.

The three batteries Julien threw hit them on their heads.

Maurice: (scared) He knows! He knows!

They start dancing again really fast.

Mort: (smiling fearfully) I like dancing to exhaustion!

Scene IX: The Zoo

Skipper belly-slides down some stairs with the lone battery in his beak. He climbs on top of a brick wall. Julien jumps and lands on the wall as well.

Julien: Be giving it up, flightless bird! I already have three batteries.

Julien holds up three fingers.

Skipper: (striking defensive combat poses as he talks) But your noise maker needs all four. And the only way you’re getting this one is if you pry it from my cold, dead flippers.

He holds out one of his flippers. Julien shudders.

Julien: Ugh! Sounds gross, but doable!

Julien quickly dives at Skipper but Skipper uses his flipper to block him. Skipper runs the other way on the brick wall with Julien closely behind. Skipper stops and jumps just before Julien grabs him. Julien falls on his face and lies there. Julien uses his tail to knock the battery from Skipper’s flipper. The battery flies in the air and Julien grabs it with his foot and then, before Skipper can do anything, hits Skipper with his tail. Skipper falls over and then Julien gets up. He grabs the battery from his foot and stuffs the battery in Skipper’s face while smiling mockingly. Skipper gets mad and uses his feet to knock Julien off-balance. Skipper grabs the battery but Julien still hangs onto it as they fall into a habitat.

Scene X: The Kangaroo Habitat

They roll as they hit the ground and then they finally stop. Skipper gets the battery and stands up triumphantly but blanches when he notices whose habitat it is.

Skipper: Oh no.

Julien sticks his finger below the battery and pushes it out of Skipper's flippers and into the air. Julien catches the battery.

Julien: (yelling mockingly) Aha! I win! Into your face, penguin!

Skipper grabs Julien’s nose but he was actually trying to cover Julien’s mouth.

Skipper: Shh! (whispering) Don’t make a sound. We’re in Joey’s pen.
Julien: (nose plugged) Who’s Joey?

They hear a sound and they see an animal getting up.

Skipper: That’s Joey.

The animal hops towards them. Julien takes cover behind Skipper. The animal was a kangaroo, Joey.

Julien: Ha. A kangaroo? (laughs) How cute. For a moment there, I thought it would be something dan-

Joey kicks Julien into the air, making Julien lose hold of his battery. Then Joey starts punching Julien, keeping Julien in the air at fist-level while he is being punched. Julien gets hit multiple times in the face and then Joey punches him to the ground. Skipper watches Julien fall to the ground and then Joey approaches him.

Skipper: Now look, marsupial, we don’t want any trouble. We just came to get…

Joey kicks Skipper. He hits the ground, landing by Julien, who is still on the ground.

Joey: (punches the air, practicing his fighting moves, with Australian accent) Joey don’t rightly appreciate trespassers, mates. (cracks his knuckles) Makes me mad.

Julien and Skipper scream as they run and dodge Joey trying to stomp them. Julien and Skipper quickly run towards the tree in Joey’s habitat as Joey chases them. They climb up the tree very quickly just before Joey rams the tree with his head. Skipper and Julien get high enough to avoid attack.

Joey: Come down, you bludgers, (kicks the tree) before I chuck a wobbly.

Joey tries to jump for them but cannot reach. Julien and Skipper are on one of the branches. Skipper is only halfway onto the branch and is trying to pull himself onto it by his flippers. Julien is sitting on the branch.

Julien: Have you never heard such a mangling of the language which we are speaking? Anywho, fear not.

Skipper tries to pull himself onto the branch.

Julien: I have loyal subjects who live to sacrifice (puts one of his feet on Skipper’s head, leaving Skipper still hanging on) their skins for me.

Scene XI: The Lemur Habitat (Even Later)

Maurice and Mort are dancing slowly. They hear Julien’s voice.

Julien: (from distance) Mort! Maurice!

Maurice and Mort have fearful expressions on their faces and quickly start dancing rapidly again.

Mort: I’m dancing! I’m still dancing!

Maurice makes fearful sounds.

Scene XII: The Kangaroo Habitat

Julien shades his eyes with one hand, searching for his servants, who do not come.

Julien: Hmm… They are not running when I am bellowing. I shall punish them harshly.

Skipper slaps Julien’s foot. Julien takes his foot off Skipper’s head and sits on the branch. Skipper pulls himself onto the branch.

Julien: OK, crazy-ish idea. You help me get out of this place.
Skipper: (incredulously) Team up… with you?
Julien: I was thinking more like you do all of the work, and I will watch with anticipation.
Julien blinks enthusiastically.
Skipper: Well, then forget it, compadre. It’s every animal for himself.

Skipper jumps off the branch, does a mid-air front flip, and lands on Joey, sliding off his back and swiftly flies to the brick wall. He seemed like he was going to make it but did not. He hits the wall, falls to the ground, and Joey approaches. Skipper looks behind himself to see Joey. Julien lies down on the branch as he watches Skipper get beat up by Joey. Skipper scrambles up the tree.

Skipper: OK, you win. Go team. First we’ll need a plan.

Joey is still hopping around the tree. Close-up on Julien's and Skipper's eyes exchanging glances.

Skipper: Here goes nothing.

He and Julien jump off the branch, land on Joey’s beach ball, and bounce up to the top of the brick wall. Skipper lands on the brick wall safely, arms raised like he stuck a dismount.

Skipper: Hey! What do you know? It actually-

Julien suddenly lands on his head. They struggle to stay on the wall but they fall backwards into Joey’s habitat. Joey was waiting for them and kicks them with both of his feet while they are falling. Julien and Skipper hit the ground. Joey hops towards them.

Julien: (scared) Not in the face! Please spare my money-maker!

Joey punches them and they fly directly into the branch where they were before and lie on the branch, Skipper on top of Julien, both passed out.

Scene XIII: Kangaroo Habitat (later)

Skipper uses some rope to lasso a lamppost that is out of Joey’s habitat. Then he ties the other end to the branch that is inside Joey’s habitat.

Skipper: All systems go.

They start walking on the rope, so as not to fall and get hit by Joey again.

Joey: (angrily) And where do you two dingoes think you’re going?

Joey jumps to knock them off the rope but cannot reach. Joey tries two more times but with no success. Julien notices that Joey cannot reach them. Julien: (laughs) Kangaroo! You cannot be bouncing this high while I can.

Julien walks on the rope, shaking it. Skipper starts losing his balance a little.

Skipper: Easy, Ringtail.
Julien: Yes, I can do all the bouncing I choose up here.

Julien starts bouncing on the rope which makes Skipper bounce on the rope as well.

Skipper: Ringtail!

Julien doesn’t listen to Skipper and continues jumping while Skipper tries to stay on the rope, grunting each time he hits the rope.

Julien: Are you not seething with jealousy as I bounce and bounce and bounce some more?

Julien laughs as he jumps over Skipper who is now flipping over and over on his belly. Julien starts dances as he jumps.

Julien: Look at my bouncing magnificence!
Skipper: (as he hits the rope) Huh, hah, huh, hah, huh, hah, hooyah-hah, huyah-hah...

Julien looks at Skipper who is now just hanging on with his flippers.Skipper then loses his grip and quickly grabs hold of Julien’s tail which brings them both down to Joey.
Skipper: (falling) AAH!
Joey grabs Julien’s tail to stop them from slingshoting.

Julien: Hello. Did anyone ever tell you, you have beautiful eyes?

Joey smiles evilly.

Julien: (nervously) Please, not to be hitting me.
Joey: (cheerfully) No worries, mate.

Joey pulls down Julien and Skipper even farther down to the ground and then let’s go of Julien’s tail. Skipper and Julien slingshot into the air. They fall towards the tree and hit a branch as they fall. Then they slip and fall again, hitting the branch they are always on. Skipper and Julien pass out again from the impact on the branches.

Scene XIV: Kangaroo Habitat (later still)

Joey is still hopping around the tree.

Julien: (scared) Skipper, if only one of us can make it out of here, (Julien shivers) let it be… Joey.
Skipper: (surprised) Wait, Joey?
Julien: Oh, yeah. Without the beatings, this place wouldn’t be half bad.
Skipper:Oh, we’re getting out of here, Ringtail...

Skipper gestures towards two fake figures made out of leaves and twigs.

Skipper: ...thanks to this handsome fella (points to the shorter one, him) and his little dummy friend (points to the tall one, Julien).

Julien: (doesn't like it at first, turns sideways, showing his profile) You have failed to capture my regal profile.
Julien gestures to his face.
Skipper: Joey only needs to buy it for a few precious moments.
Skipper points to the gate of Joey's cage, which has bales of hay behind it.
Skipper: You see, every morning, that gate automatically opens for breakfast. At precisely 0600 hours, we use our decoys and we break. Fast. Get my drift?

Julien comes over and puts his hands on Skipper’s head which makes Skipper angry.

Julien: No, this is too long. I cannot wait 600 hours!
Skipper: (moves away from Julien) 0600 means 6 A.M.
Julien: Oh. When is that?
Skipper: (looks at the rising sun) From reading the sun correctly, I'd say…

The gate open and a stack of hay gets thrown into the habitat.

Skipper: …now!
Julien: (surprised) Now?
Skipper: (kicks the decoys off the branch) Now! Now! Now!

He grabs Julien and throws him off the branch and then dives off. They land on the ground.

Julien: Nobody pushes a king out of a tree.

Skipper covers Julien’s mouth.

Skipper: Shh!

Skipper waits to see if Joey will fall for the decoys. The shorter decoy falls over. Joey, who was holding his beach ball, hops over to the decoys. He grabs the shorter decoy and starts punching it.

Joey: Give you two a proper harrying, I will.

Skipper and Julien watch as Joey tears the decoys to pieces. Joey rips one of the decoys and stomps on the remains, growling.

Skipper: (whispers) Run!

They quickly start sliding and running to the gate. Julien sees the missing battery on the ground and picks it up.

Julien: Hey, look what I-

He gets hit by Skipper and they tumble on the ground. Joey hears them and looks around.

Joey: I’ve been had.

Skipper and Julien stop tumbling and Julien sees Joey hopping towards them. Julien runs to the gate but Skipper gets cut off as Joey gets in his path. Joey exhales angrily and then tries to punch Skipper on the ground but Skipper dodges it. Julien dives through the open gate into a bunch of hay.

Julien: (still holding the battery, happily) Whew! Everyone who is important to me made it. Happy ending.

Julien begins to walk off with the battery but then stops.

Julien: (confused) But what is this feeling I am feeling? It is not a happiness.

He hears punching and groans back in Joey’s habitat. Julien looks out, seeing Joey and Skipper fighting each other.

Skipper: Was that the best you got?!

Skipper rolls everywhere while dodging Joey’s attacks.

Julien: It is a feeling that I have not done all I should have done. (upset) I do not like it!
The gate to Joey's habitat begins to close in small, slow increments.
Julien: (punches his chest angrily) How do I make it go away?

Joey tries to stomp on Skipper but misses because Skipper jumps on his beach ball. Skipper bounces on the beach ball while being pursued. Joey gets in front of Skipper and kicks the beach ball. Skipper lets go of the ball. Joey looks around, unable to see him anywhere. Skipper then comes out of Joey’s pouch, gasping, causing Joey to look down at him. The gate continues to close as Skipper is pursued. Julien shivers and then gulps. He lets go of the battery and begins to hold back the gate.

Julien: Please do hurry, penguin.

Skipper flaps his wings while being chased.

Julien: I am not used to the physical labor.

Skipper bounces off a brick wall.

Skipper: Trying!
Julien: Ugh! I cannot hold it much longer. What more can I, a devilishly handsome lemur king, do?

Julien sees the battery on the ground. He looks back at Skipper and Joey. Skipper is on Joey’s tail as Joey is trying to grab him with his mouth. Julien looks back at the battery. He grunts as he struggles to hold up the gate. He grabs the battery with his foot and places it on one side of the gate, which stops the gate from closing temporarily.

Julien: Hurry! Hurry!

Skipper dodges Joey trying to grab him with his hand, spinning in midair and landing on the ground. Skipper makes a frame with his flippers as he looks at the gate. Skipper smiles and looks at a branch on the tree. Joey approaches him.

Skipper: (mockingly) What’s the matter, wallaby? Can’t kick a moving target.

He wiggles his bottom.

Joey: Wallaby? (mad) I’m a kangaroo, mate!

Joey kicks Skipper and Skipper flies into the branch. He bounces off and flies towards Joey. Joey ducks and Skipper passes him as he hits the ground. Skipper slides pass the gate and Joey hops over to it. The battery stops holding the gate in place and falls to the ground. The gate crunches the battery. Joey tries to grab them through the gate but cannot.

Joey: (frustrated) Oh! I’ve been had again.
Skipper:(triumphantly) We did it! Up high.

Skipper puts up his flipper for a high-five. Julien looks at Skipper’s flipper.

Julien: Yes, it is.
Skipper: (puts his flipper lower) Down low?

Julien looks at him as if trying to understand.

Skipper: (confused by Julien's lack of response) Too slow? (puts his flipper behind his back)
Julien: (amused) You… You are too slow.
Skipper: (walks away a little annoyed) Oh, never mind.

Scene XV: Lemur Habitat

Julien is standing on his throne in a heroic pose as he tells Maurice and Mort what happene.

Julien: And so, I bravely saved the annoying penguin. (sighs) But at what cost? (sad) Without my battery, our booties are sad and still.
Maurice: (sitting) Oh, that’s a crying shame, Your Majesty.
Mort: (sitting) Oh, yeah! Shame.

Maurice and Mort smile at each other.

Skipper: (from a distance) Look alive, lemurs!

Skipper flips over to them.

Skipper: This is no way to party down!
Julien: (depressed) True that. Your wisdom exceeds your years, my flippered friend. What is a party without mad beats to rock the streets?

Skipper brings out a walkie-talkie.

Skipper: That’s why you need this.

He opens the battery hatch on the walkie-talkie and takes out a battery. He throws the battery to Julien and Julien catches it. He starts sniffling, then his eyes get big and he smiles, then starts sniffling again.

Julien: For me? I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry.
Skipper: (salutes Julien starts walking away) Consider it a tip of the beak for saving my tail.

Skipper belly-slides off the ledge. Julien jumps to his boombox and puts the battery in the hatch, his tail waving.

Julien: Now, squeeze in there with your friends.
Singer: Get down, get down…

Julien jumps on top of the boombox and starts dancing.

Julien: (dancing) The monster beats rage on! Boogie, my subjects! Yes! Boogie!

Mort whimpers and screams. Skipper looks back, smiles, and leaves.

Scene XIV: Penguin Habitat

Skipper walks to his habitat. Skipper climbs down the ladder and sees that his team is still sleeping.

Skipper: How can you boys still be sleeping? On your feet, team.

He grabs Private’s pillow. Private wakes up with earmuffs on. He rubs his eye.

Private: What’s that, Skipper?
Skipper: Earmuffs? Well, I’ll be.

Kowalski is now awake with earmuffs on.

Private: Only way to catch quality sack time around here.

Kowalski ducks down to Rico who is still asleep. Kowalski slaps him which makes Rico wake up. Rico looks around confused.

Kowalski: Rico, did you forget to give Skipper his?

Rico holds his beak and thinks. Rico regurgitates Skipper’s earmuffs and Skipper catches it.

Skipper: Thanks, boys.

Skipper puts on the earmuffs and hears no music because everything is muted to us.

Skipper: Ahhh. Bliss.


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