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A Visit From Uncle Nigel Title

Scene I (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Starts by showing the front of a postcard with a house on it.)

Skipper: This is it, men. I may not be able to read but I am certain this postcard is the call to arms we've been waiting for. (Shows Kowalski, Rico, and Private as Skipper put postcard behind him.)

Kowalski: We just need the chimps to confirm it.

Skipper: Confirm nothing, Kowalski! Do you doubt my gut? (Points to gut) This gut here? (gets in Kowalski's face) Do you, Gut Doubter?

Kowalski: (Frantic) No, Skipper, no! You know I have the up-most respect for your gut! (Rico smirks)

Skipper: Right. (marches in front of the others) And my gut says this is it: Farmageddon. Rico, weapons. (Rico regurgitates flame thrower, chainsaw, and missile launcher) Ah, ha, ha, ha! (jumps on the pile of weapons) BRING IT ON! WOOOOO!

Scene II (Chimpanzee Habitat)[]

(Phil is using sign language to read the postcard while Mason translates. The penguins stand by dressed for full combat and Skipper is holding a bomb.)

Mason: It says Private's Uncle Nigel is coming for a visit.

Private: (Jumps around excitedly) Uncle Nigel! Oh Joy!

Skipper: (Throws bomb that start to ring. Bomb explodes.)

Man: MY CAR!

Skipper: (Disappointed) Awww.

(Kowalski slaps hard hat from Rico's head)

Scene III (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Shows briefcase and hat sitting by door, while the Penguins have tea with Uncle Nigel)

Uncle Nigel (Eyes unfocused and hair a mess): So I was on the hunt for a rare Rough Fruited Buttercup. (Hugs kettle close for a moment.)

(Skipper is leaning against his flipper in boredom)

Kowalski: (Looks to Skipper) Its a flower.

Skipper: Oh.

Uncle Nigel: (Puts down kettle, while Private watches him excitedly) Circled the twice over, only to find the devil right in my own content garden. (Laughs) Dear me.

Rico: (Laughs while banging on table then looks up confused) Wait. What?

(Uncle Nigel picks up kettle again as Private smiles at him)

Private: Oh, Uncle Nigel, another smashing story! (Nigel begins to pour Private tea as Private moves the cup around so Nigel won't spill any.) I'm so glad you fount the time to visit.

(Nigel puts down kettle as Private puts the tea in front of Nigel before smiling at Nigel.)

Uncle Nigel: Well, it was nothing but a skip across the old pond. Well worth it for my favorite Nephew. (Pats Private on the head as Private's smile grows.)

(Clock show it now to be 3:00. Then skips to 4:35)

Uncle Nigel: I had such a doily when I was a lad. (Shows Nigel pouring tea as Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski look half asleep) But a hand knitted dosie on a pin-lace doily. (Kowalski flips over empty hourglass) (Nigel continues to talk about doilies)

Skipper: Doilies, doilies, doilies. (Grabs Kowalski) We need a distraction!

Kowalski: I am on it. (Ducks low from the table. Appears by the radio, where he flips a switch, then in the TV. Clock rings and little yellow bird exists twice. Kowalski hits the wall and a panel pops out. He hits a few buttons and alarms to off.)

Kowalski: How about that? (Kicks panel back into wall) I've seem to have set the Power Core into Overload. Clumsy me. (Laughs as Skipper slaps his face)

Skipper: Really Kowalski, that's your distraction?

Kowalski: (Defensive) It was the first thing that came to mind!

Private: (Confused) Distraction?

(Rico sits up suddenly)

Skipper: Nothing, Private. Nothing at all. (Jumps out of seat) Come on men, lets go have some fun with Antimatterons.

Rico: WHHOOAA! (Backflips out of seat)

Uncle Nigel: (Jumps on table) Quite the oh lads. We best get on with the sti.. (Falls off table) Whooaa! (Private glances down in worry as Skipper stares down with wide eyes)

Skipper: (Helps Nigel up) No, no, Nigel. You stay with Private and tell him more of those delightfully, stupefying stories.

Uncle Nigel: (Smiles as Skipper runs) Alright then, I will.

Skipper: Tell them all (Kowalski jumps through the pathway behind Private's prize fish) Get them out of your system. (Rico follows then Skipper) Please. (Skipper shuts the fish).

Uncle Nigel: So. Just when I thought I fount the perfect (Walks closer to the fish and opens it to find no one).. Doily. (He shuts the fish before jumping back)

Uncle Nigel: (Eyes focus and gain a serious look as he slicks back his hair with a flipper) Right, they're gone. (Looks to Private) Now I can proceed with my true mission.

Private: (Confused) Mission?

(Uncle Nigel sets down a suit case, and hushes Private by putting a flipper against his beak)

Uncle Nigel: Hush, hush, boy! High probability of dicey.

Private: Dicey?! Uncle Nigel, what are you talking about?

Uncle Nigel: The old spy game! Why surely you've suspected.

Private: (Gasps) You're a spy?

(Rico runs in through the lab door screaming, and juggling a blue glowing rod between his flippers, knocking over the tea set and running around the HQ frantically).

(Uncle Nigel's hair is ruffled, and he hides the suitcase with his back, changing the subject until Rico flees through the Fish Prize hatch).

Uncle Nigel: (Slicks hair) Of course I'm a spy, lad.

(Uncle Nigel kicks over the suitcase, and high tech computer/spy equipment elevates. A British flag topping off the high-tech gear).

Private: What is that?

Uncle Nigel: Oooh, just a little something the boys in the lab whipped up.

(Kowalski bursts through the Fish Prize hatch, holding the same blue glowing tube that Rico entered with earlier, screaming and flailing in through the HQ before exiting through the lab door).

(Uncle Nigel ruffles his hair and changes the subject once again until Kowalski leaves).

Uncle Nigel: (Slicks hair back) Ah. (Begins typing on the high-tech computer). My target is indeed somewhere in this Central Park.

(There is a beeping noise as the camera pans to the glowing green radar, a flashing dot indicating where the target is).

Private: But you can't be a spy. The buttercups, the knitting, the doilies!

Uncle Nigel: Rubbish for the ruse, boy. The trappings of the deep undercover life by the by. Compliments on your own cover, Private. No one would ever suspect you to be anything but a hopeless nancy cat.

(Uncle Nigel reaches under Private's pillow and pulls out a Lunacorn).

Uncle Nigel: I mean look at this bit of stuff and nonsense. Brilliant!

(Private quickly rushes over and grabs the Lunacorn from Uncle Nigel's grasp. The horn on it then begins to glow a bright blue color).

Uncle Nigel: And bright!

Private: (Hides the Lunacorn behind his back) All part of my cover (Nervously giggles, before quickly hiding the Lunacorn back underneath his pillow).

(Skipper hops down into the HQ through the fish bowl entrance, screaming and holding the same blue rod as Kowalski and Rico had earlier)

Skipper: It burns! It burns! (Tosses the rod back up through the fish bowl entrance, and climbs up the ladder, back outside).

(Uncle Nigel quickly ruffles his hair and shields the high-tech machine with his back while Skipper runs around the HQ).

Uncle Nigel: (Slicks hair back) Right. Now my target is the vilest of vermin. The Red Squirrel!

Private: The Red Squirrel? (Begins to laugh out) Uncle Nigel, there is no Red Squirrel! He's just a myth!

Uncle Nigel: He's a tricky customer, sure enough. 50 years unseen by any, and all. (The high-tech computer begins to shrink back down and closes up back into the suitcase).

(Uncle Nigel picks up the suitcase by its handle, and darts out towards the fishbowl entrance, grabbing Private by his flipper and pulling him along).

Uncle Nigel: But that's about to change. Quickly, lad! (Tosses Private up through the fishbowl hatch by his flipper).

Scene IV (Central Park)[]

Private: Uncle Nigel, please! The Red Squirrel is a fairytale!

(Uncle Nigel and Private stop walking in front of a monument. Uncle Nigel sets down his briefcase, and he has a magnifying glass in his flipper).

Uncle Nigel: Pay attention, because I'm only going to say this one. (Uncle Nigel holds the magnifying glass to his face, scanning the ground for clues). Unless, of course at my own discretion I choose to repeat it, the Red Squirrel is real.

(Uncle Nigel faces Private, his face distorted from being behind the magnifying glass).

Private: Uncle Nigel, that's impossible because he doesn't exist!

(The ground begins to shake, and Uncle Nigel turns Private towards the monument, which opens up and exposes a rocket).

Private: But how? I don't- I can't-

(Uncle Nigel slaps Private).

Uncle Nigel: Who's a brave soldier? You disarm the missile, I have got an engagement with Sciurus Vulgaris.

(The camera turns, showing the Red Squirrel climbing down from a tree. He then begins walking towards the penguins).

Red Squirrel: Well done, Agent Nigel. I mean-

(The Red Squirrel is then cut off as he screams out, he has walked out from the safety of the shade that was provided by the tree. A sizzling sound is heard. He quickly retreats to the shade).

Red Squirrel: The sun! All those years underground, I got the light sensitivity, and I got it bad!

Private: The Red Squirrel is real? Really real? Really?

Uncle Nigel: Lad, don't make me beak slap you again!

Private: Right!

(Uncle Nigel gets into a fighting position as he turns his attention towards the Red Squirrel)

Uncle Nigel: Shall we, Red?

(While Uncle Nigel is dealing with the Red Squirrel, Private begins climbing up the side of the rocket).

(The camera pans back to Nigel and the Red Squirrel).

Uncle Nigel: What's your nefarious plan this time? (He swings at the Red Squirrel, who ducks and dodges).

Red Squirrel: The toxin in that missile will make acorns grow so large they will destroy all other plant life! (Laughs evilly, but gets punched in the face by Uncle Nigel).

Uncle Nigel: Fifty years planning, and you come up with that?!

Red Squirrel: I like acorns!

(The Red Squirrel jumps on Nigel's head, and begins to pull at the sides of his 'sideburns' briefly before Uncle Nigel is able to throw him off).

(The camera pans back to Private, who successfully unscrews a bolt by using a penny. After the bolt is loosened, a panel opens to reveal the rocket's inside).

Private: Oh yes!

(The camera pans into the rocket, showing many different tangled wires that have an electric blue pulse go up them).

Private: Oh dear.

(Back to Uncle Nigel and the Red Squirrel).

Uncle Nigel: Surrender, Red!

Red Squirrel: Sorry, agent Nigel. But I have a previously scheduled launch date!

(One of the lenses on the Red Squirrel's sunglasses lift up, revealing that his bad eye is now a launch button instead, the Red Squirrel begins to laugh evilly).

Uncle Nigel: Eugh, nasty place for a launch button!

(The Red Squirrel pushes the red launch button, and the rocket starts up, while Private is still on it).

Uncle Nigel: Private, get off of there lad!

Private: No! I can-!

(Private tries to reach down into the rocket to grab some wires but ends up slipping in. He shrieks out and falls through the inside of the rocket, clanks and clunks heard as the penguin falls. Private falls through a bottom panel of the rocket, many different colored wires are all tangled and wrapped around his body).

(The rocket powers down. It then falls to the side).

Uncle Nigel: Throwing yourself into the bowels of the beast! Gutsy move!

Private: And, a completely intentional one too. Totally not an accident!

Red Squirrel: 50 years of my life kaput! You birds are so annoying!

(Uncle Nigel threateningly walks up to the Red Squirrel. The Red Squirrel backs up, and his back is against a tree trunk).

Red Squirrel: But the red squirrel will rise again!

(The tree trunk reveals a hidden panel behind the Red Squirrel, which opens up. He jumps backwards into the tree, and it immediately closes down behind him. Uncle Nigel tries to catch him but was not quick enough).

Uncle Nigel: Blast!

Scene V (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Rico and Kowalski are playing cards at the table, while Skipper is in the bunk reading a magazine. The fish hatch opens, and Private hops down excitedly). Private: Guys, guys, guys, guys! You won't believe it! Uncle Nigel and I fought the Red Squirrel!

Skipper: (Moves magazine away from face) You called it Private, I don't believe it.

Kowalski: The scenario seems unlikely given the Red Squirrel's lack of existence, and Uncle Nigel's-

(Kowalski is interrupted by Uncle Nigel who screams and clumsily falls down the fishbowl hatch, landing on his belly. His hair is not slicked back, but is instead ruffled up).

Uncle Nigel: Oh dear, crushed my crumpet. (He holds up a crumbled yellow pastry).

Kowalski: Um, that

Private: No! Uncle Nigel, tell them about the Red Squirrel! It's okay, you can trust them! He's really a dashing, and not at all daffy- spy!

Rico: Yeeeeah, right.

Uncle Nigel: (Laughs) Oh, my boy. Are you having a laugh? Hah, good show. Oh, I can't say I understand it. Perhaps we could all decipher it over a cup and biscuits. Private, would you mind?

Private: What?

(Private looks away, then looks back at his Uncle, then furrows his brow and frowns).

Private: Fine.

(Private walks away towards the lab, and shuts the door behind him).

Uncle Nigel: That boy and his imagination. Tall tales, and short stories.

(A couple of acorns trickle down from the fishbowl entrance, a few rolling in front of Kowalski and Rico).

(Rico picks up the acorn, and a ticking noise is heard coming from it).

Uncle Nigel: No!

(Uncle Nigel tackles Rico to the ground, causing him to drop the acorn. The acorn falls to the floor, and emits a pink smoke from it. The pink smoke begins to fill the HQ, and the boys immediately pass out and become unconscious. The smoke also reaches Skipper who's still in the bunk, he falls out of the bunk and onto his stomach, unconscious).

Scene VI (Red Squirrel Lair)[]

(Rico, Skipper, Kowalski, and Uncle Nigel are all trapped in a cage inside of the Red Squirrel's lair. Kowalski groans, and places a flipper against his head). Kowalski: Oh, what happened?

Red Squirrel: I am what happened. The Red Squirrel!

Skipper: Impossible, you don't exist!

Red Squirrel: Right, you go on thinking that. Meanwhile, I've incapacitated the world's greatest penguin agent, and now there is no one who can possibly stop my mad plans!

Skipper: I may be locked up, Red. But I'm hardly incapacitated.

Red Squirrel: Who is talking about you? I am speaking of super secret agent Nigel.

Uncle Nigel: (Sipping tea behind the three penguins, and his eyes go wide). Hey, wh-what? Secret agent. Me? You've got the wrong fellow old beam.

(The Red Squirrel gives an annoyed look).

Uncle Nigel: Guess the ruse is up. (Slicks hair back and sucks in gut). Ah well, had a good run.

Kowalski: You? You actually ARE a super secret agent?

Uncle Nigel: Hello, welcome to the show. You're late, but we've saved you a seat.

Skipper: I guess we owe Private an apology. I'd rather it was cash. Private?

Scene VII (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Private stumbles out of the lab door with a tray that has a few tea cups on it). Private: I had some trouble with the kettle, but- Hello?

(Private notices the HQ is empty, and sees the acorns that were on the floor. He gasps).

Private: Oh no!

Scene VIII (Red Squirrel Lair)[]

Red Squirrel: This Private penguin, he is bumble headed ninny. He is no threat. Uncle Nigel: Hah, he has fallen for it. He actually believes Private's nancy cat front.

Rico: Um, ooh...

Scene IX (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Private is rocking back and forth on his back, holding his Lunacorn for comfort). Private: Oh Princess Self-Respectra what do I do? How can I possibly stop Red Squirrel all by myself?

(Private squeezes the Lunacorn. It squeaks, and its horn emits a blue glowing light).

Scene X (Central Park)[]

(Private is pushing on a tree trunk while the Lunacorn is under his flipper. He is struggling as he pushes against the trunk).

Private: Where is that trap door?

(Private pushes on a different tree trunk, still struggling as he pushes against it).

Private: Maybe it was this one.

(Private tries using his shoulder to push against a different tree trunk).

Private: Or this one. I thought for sure it was one of these tree-!

(The secret passage opens from the tree, and Private falls inside. It shows Private falling, banging against a metal ventilation looking shaft, clutching the glowing Lunacorn he finally lands inside of the Red Squirrel's lair in front of the cage where his teammates are. The Lunacorn sliding further away from him from the fall).

Uncle Nigel: Here comes our rescue, boys!

Red Squirrel: Is this how you come to fight? With a toy?

Private: Yes, yes it is. (He picks up the Lunacorn and walks in the Red Squirrel's direction).

Uncle Nigel: Brilliant! Even in the heat of battle he's a complete fancy pants! Dedication to a cover story, that's what that is!

Kowalski: Heh, yeah.

(The Red Squirrel jumps at Private, who jumps over the Red Squirrel and hits him on the back with the Lunacorn. The Red Squirrel slides across the floor, and hits the wall. Private comes and attacks the Red Squirrel, pointing the Lunacorn at the Red Squirrel, and using the Lunacorn to shield the Red Squirrel's attacks).

Red Squirrel: Do you realize how ridiculous you look with your horned pony?

Private: You're just jealous! I have a Lunacorn and you don't!

Red Squirrel: What?! Of course not, it is so soft and weak, like you!

Private: Jeeeealous!

(Private then hopes up and down while holding the Lunacorn, mocking the Red Squirrel. The Red Squirrel trips Private, and Private lands on his back while holding the Lunacorn close to his chest).

Red Squirrel: I am not jeeeeealous! (Red Squirrel says in a mocking tone as he snatches the Lunacorn, and Private's hopping that he did earlier). In fact, I'm going to rip it apart right in front of your eyes!

Private: Actually, it was your eye I was thinking about!

Red Squirrel: What you mean by-

(Private pokes the Lunacorn plush, and it begins to glow, showing that it's affecting the Red Squirrel's vision).

Red Squirrel: Ah! So bright!

(The Red Squirrel covers his eyes and runs into a nearby wall, then falling to the ground. Private catches the Lunacorn, and slides over to the cage, pushing a nearby red button to free the others from the cage. The cage then gets lifted up, freeing the others).

Skipper: Top notch work, Private!

Uncle Nigel: Well, Red. Shall we finish this?

Red Squirrel: Another time! Dosvedanya!

(The Red Squirrel pushes a red button, and a panel below him opens, allowing him to fall through it and escape. It immediately closes right behind him, preventing the others from following).

Skipper: Nuts! That squirrely son of a gun has got away!

Uncle Nigel: Yes, but we've ceased his secret base!

(The base then begins to illuminate red from a blinking red light on the ceiling).

Kowalski: Which is apparently set to self-destruct.

(The Lunacorn and all the penguins quickly escape from the tree trunk hideout. As soon as they all make it outside, the tree behind them explodes into a black smoke).

Rico: (Quickly gets up, holding the Lunacorn) Ooh, again! Again!

Skipper: Sorry Rico, an evil lair can only self-destruct once.

Rico: Aww, man!

Scene XI (Penguin Habitat)[]

(Uncle Nigel is near the fishbowl exit, two blue checkered suit cases on both sides of him).

Uncle Nigel: Thanks for the hospitality, chaps! I'll let everyone at HQ know what a bang up job you did! Especially you, Private! You almost had me convinced you were a plush hugging twirl about.

(Skipper comes up between Private and Uncle Nigel).

Skipper: Well you know the funny thing about that is that Private actually is a- oop!

(Skipper is cut off when Private quickly places a flipper on his beak to stop him from talking).

Private: Grateful. Grateful for everything I've learned from you, Uncle Nigel.


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