Scene I: Penguin HQ
Skipper: Kowalski, have you seen my calendar?
Cut to the other penguins with their breakfast. Kowalski gulps.
Skipper: Yes, I've had it around here someplace, but it seems like the darn thing just upped and walked away.
Out of Skipper's sight, Kowalski quickly tosses the missing calendar onto Private's face, knocking his bowl down. The two of them hastily toss the calendar back and forth whilst Rico watches.
Skipper: (offscreen) It was like we had some operations scheduled this week. Importante operations.
Rico grabs the calendar and hurls up the flamethrower gun to incinerate the calendar. Skipper turns around, Kowalski and Private duck underneath the table and Rico hides the gun behind his back.
Skipper: Either you boys seen my calendar?
Rico: Nope. (as Private reappears)
Private: (shakes his head)
Skipper: (suspicious) Hmm. Strange.
Private: Yes, while in the meantime, we can just carry on as usual, you know, some cute and cuddly antics for the guests.
Rico: Uh-huh. (as Kowalski reappears)
Kowalski: Roger that.
The three penguins rush towards the ladder, fighting with each other on who exits first while Skipper converses.
Skipper: Yeah, I suppose we could do that... or I can check my backup calendar!
The others stare on shocked as Skipper brings down his large calendar.
Skipper: (enthusiasm) Aah! It's big! Oh, that's right! It's teambuilding week! Right there in bold! WHOOO! (facing the others) The week we weed out the weak!
The other three are not so happy and look disappointed.
Private: (sadly) My least favorite time of year.
Scene II: Penguin Habitat
Kowalski, Rico and Private are standing in a circle while Skipper paces in front of them.
Skipper: (approaching Rico) Heavy Ball Hacky Sack! Go!
He swats Rico's stomach, causing him to regurgitate a bowling ball for a game of intense hacky sack. Rico and Kowalski both struggle to keep the heavy ball off the ground, and when it's Private's turn, he screams as he gets hit in the face by the ball, causing him to topple over.
Skipper: (displeased) Hogging the ball, Private? Now that's not being a team player! (he notes this down onto his clipboard)
Scene III: Central Park
Skipper: (close-up, shouting) Heave, team!! HEAVE!!
The team are shown pulling a rope over a tree branch, attempting to lift a boulder off the ground. Unfortunately, the three lose their grip and are carried up to the branch, pound their heads and rebound off the boulder onto the grass. The boulder rolls off and flattens them, whilst picking up Rico who rolls away with it.
Skipper: Rico's a ball hog too? (notes it down)
Scene IV: Elephant Habitat
Camera pans to show Kowalski, Private and Rico forming a horizontal chain grabbing two poles at each end, and at the same time strenously carrying Burt.
Skipper: That's it, Big Grey. Put your full weight into it.
Burt: (he starts jumping up and down onto the penguin chain) I'm gonna use all the junk in my trunk!
Kowalski: Skipper, forget... ugh! (he pauses every time Burt lands on them) ...me, but I'm... ugh! ...not seeing the point of... gah!... this exercise.
Skipper: Oh, really? What if the only way to save one of your penguin brothers, was to form a penguin chain? Hm?
Kowalski: My penguin brothers aren't... (Burt's foot squashes his head) (wheezes) two-ton elephants.
Burt: (annoyed) Hey! A ton and three-quarters! (pleased) I've been cutting carbs.
Burt stumbles and squashes the penguins underneath, with Skipper jumping out of the way.
Burt: (gets back up) Oh! Cheese and crackers! I'm sorry! Sorry!
Skipper: You wanna know why we do this Kowalski? No penguin gets left behind! That's why.
Private: What about Manfredi?
Skipper: Okay, one penguin gets left behind.
Kowalski: (pulls his flippers out which were caught by the pole hammered underneath) And Johnson.
Skipper: Maybe two penguins get left behind.
Rico: (raises his flipper) Umm...
Skipper: (moans) Comparatively, few penguins get left behind, alright! (takes his clipboard) Okay, lets take another shot of the penguin bridge! And this time, dig deep!
Kowalski: (pants weakly) Please... can't... go on! (collapses)
Skipper: (convinced) I think we've found our weakling.
Private: Skipper, Kowalski's right. First it was pass the red hot burning briquette.
Rico blows into his flippers to re-enact. Rico: Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh!
Private: Then the sack of broken glass races.
Rico: (he holds one foot in the air like he's in pain to re-enact that moment as well) Ee! Aah! Ooh! Aah! Aah!
Private: Then the razor wild rodeo.
Rico: Come on!
Private: We need a rest!
Skipper: A rest?! Are you saying seven straight days of intensive training is too much?! (He starts grabbing Private around apparently in an angered state) Are you saying you had too much teamwork?! Are you?! Well, say it! Are you?! Well, ARE YOU?!
Private: Um... yes. (he's let go)
Skipper: Alright Private, you got it.
Private: I do?
Skipper: Or you got it Rico. Or you, Kowalski.
Skipper: The first man who brings me a delicious salty kipper gets a day pass.
Private: A kipper, Skipper?
Skipper: That's right. One tiny smoked fish, buys a whole twenty-four hours of whatever your little hearts desire.
The three penguins start dreaming about their day's desire.
Kowalski: Ohh, science time. (dreams about himself wearing a professor hat with the equation E=mc on a chalkboard)
Dream Kowalski: Well, what do you know? E equals mc cubed. (laughs as he writes it down) Einstein... is there anything he got right?
Private: Telly time. (dreams about himself in front of the television)
Dream Private: Today, its just you and me and season three. (holds up a Lunacorn DVD)
Rico dreams about listening to classical music, sporting a monocle and drinking tea while seated on a chair - but realizes his error that his true desire is to blow stuff up.
Skipper: Now, my recommendation is the fish market down at Terminal 5... (as he gets trampled underneath the others who scurry along) (he notes something down while laying in the pit that was created)
Scene V: Central Park (Part II)
Kowalski, Private and Rico exit the zoo and begin getting into a tussle over the competition.
Kowalski: Sorry Private, my scientific research is way more important than your crudely animated "everybody get-along" show!
Private: (sarcastically) Oh yes, that's just what the world needs, another invention that explodes when you plug it in! Right, Rico?
They stop fighting to find out that Rico is missing.
They locate him on top of a hill, who tries to dispatch the two penguins at the bottom by throwing bombs rolling down at them. They both scream.
Kowalski: Well, looks like it's survival of the fittest. (grabs a nearby trashcan to trap one of the bombs underneath so that the explosion can blast him over) And that is... ME-E-E-E!
Private: (he follows suit, doing exactly what Kowalski did except with a barbecue pot) Says... YOU-U-U-U!
Kowalski manages to catch up with Rico, who belly-slides through the park. He jumps off the trashcan to stop Rico in his tracks.
Kowalski: So you thought you could pull a fast one on good ol' Ko... ugh!
Just before Rico's about to clobber him, the barbecue pot Private used lands on top of both of them. Private merrily prances off, as the pot opens to reveal two disgruntled penguins. Kowalski with a hot dog on his head, and Rico chowing down on one at the moment. They tip the pot over to give chase to Private, who's escaping on top of a taxi.
Private: (gloats) Ta-ta, boys. I mean, losers!
As the taxi accelerates out of view, covering Kowalski and Rico in a puff of smoke.
Kowalski: Private's getting away! We've got to stop him before... ugh!
(Rico pelts him with a nearby pillow that came out from off-screen and runs off as well.)
Cheap shot, Rico! (Kowalski gives chase after Rico)