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A christmas caper

Scene 1: Penguin Habitat

The screen says "Christmas Eve 1800 Hours"
A periscope pops out of a snowman. It shows Mason and Phil building a tower of cans, but Phil knocks it over. Next it shows Alex, Marty, Gloria, and Melman turning on Christmas lights on Melman. Next, it shows Ted lying down on the ground of his habitat, sad. After that, it shows camel and elephant pairs partying, and then returns to Ted who sighs sadly.

Private is operating the periscope, Skipper is at the center, Kowalski is beating down fish, and Rico is standing in front of a huge chunk of ice.

Private: He looks so sad.
Skipper: Rico! I want that tree up to muster.
Rico takes two knives and carves a Christmas tree.
Skipper: Check. Kowalski! What's the status on the approved musical selection?
Kowalski: Scheduled to begin... now.

The radio is turned on and music plays.

Skipper: Excellente! Right on track.
Private: Skipper!
Skipper: Making pudding at 1900 hours, yule log to commence on my mark. Engage!

Kowalski presses a button on a remote and the TV turns on showing a log burning.

Kowalski: Yule log engage.
Skipper: Checkamundo!
Private: Skipper!
Skipper: (Rico is seen outside swimming) Eggnog at 2100 hours, writing our names in the snow at 2105.
Private: Skipper!
Skipper: What is it, Private?
Private: Ted the polar bear is alone on this holiday and he seems so sad. Could we bring him a present to cheer him up?
Skipper: Kowalski.
Kowalski: (making calculations on his abacus) Negative, Skipper. (shows four moving fish wrapped up) We have four presents and there are four of us.
Private: We can go and get him something.
Skipper: Sorry, Private, no can do.
Private: But no one should be sad and alone on Christmas.
Skipper: Exactly. So throw those troubles away and be merry, pronto.
Private: But, Skipper-
Skipper: That's an order, mister. All right boys, stand by for eggnog.
Kowalski: (pounding the fish with a mallet) Aye aye, Skipper.
Rico: EGGNOG!! Eggnog, eggnog, eggnog, eggnog!
Skipper: Private?
Private: I'll pass, thank you.

Private sadly walks off, then gets an idea. He gets some money out of his Gloria piggy bank and sneaks to the fish plaque while Skipper and Kowalski see how much eggnog Rico can chug at once.

Skipper and Kowalski: Go, go, go, go, go, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Skipper: Hold on, Rico! That guy can really hold his nog.

Private opens the plaque and slides out.

Skipper: 2110 hours, boys! Engage cranberries!

Rico is playing the "knife game" at the table.

Skipper: Rico! Not at the table. (noticing a problem) Hold on a second, something's missing.
Kowalski: Cranberries, check! Eggnog, check!
Skipper: Give me a head count.
Kowalski: (doing calculations on his abacus) We have three heads, sir!
Kowalski: Unknown, sir! It appears that he's- (shows the eggnog carton with Private's face on it) -missing!
Skipper: Missing? Hoover dam! Wait, there he is! He just went to bed! (removes the blanket to find a bowling pin) What the? (starts slapping the bowling pin) What have you done with Private? Talk mister!
Kowalski: (noticing the open fish plaque) Skipper, over here.
Skipper: I'll deal with you later. (slaps the bowling pin one last time)
Kowalski: Oh no, he must be out there all by himself.
Skipper: He's one of us men. You all know the Penguin Credo.
Kowalski: Never bathe in hot oil and Bisquick?
Skipper: No!
Rico: (speaks Japanese gibberish)
Skipper: No! That's the Walrus Credo. It's "never swim alone". Private's out there all by himself, and we never leave one of our own.
Rico and Kowalski: Oh, yeah.
Skipper: Now let's go!

Scene 2: The Street

Private is walking down the sidewalk. He sees a possible present for Ted.

Private: That's perfect! Just the thing for a sad polar bear.

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico pop up out of the manhole.

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: Adrenaline, sweat and sardines. These tracks are fresh, sir.
Skipper: He's close. I can feel it.

The penguins peer around the corner of a building. Using a pair of binoculars, they attempt to get a closer look at Private.

Nana: What kind of cut-rate junk is this? This lousy workmanship.
Kowalski: We may have a problem.

Nana rips apart a plush toy. Private attempts to hide.

Skipper: We need to get closer. Ten o'clock men. (penguins follow a line of nuns) Blend, blend, blend!

The penguins are now behind a trash can. They again attempt to get a closer look at Private.

Nana: Ha! So this is where you're hiding! (she pulls and stretches Private)
Skipper: He's in trouble!
Rico: (coughs up a stick of dynamite and begins to light it) Kaboom, hehe.
Skipper: Lay down soldier. We're in observation mode.
Nana: Now this is workmanship. So where's the gosh darn squeaker on this thing? It's gotta have a squeaker. (she squeezes Private and he farts) Now that's more like it. Hey stupid, I found this one.
Skipper: Grand Coolee Dam! Private's been kidnapped!
Nana: TAXI!
Skipper: Not on my watch, Blue Hair! Kowalski!

Kowalski grabs a trash can lid. Rico swings a rope and hooks it onto the taxi's back bumper. The taxi drags the trash can lid (with the penguins) down the street.

Pedestrian: Hey, I'm walkin' here!

The taxi stops in front of an apartment building. The penguins get off and hide behind a snowman.

Nana: I've got a tip for you- drop dead! (she slams the door and the taxi drives off)
Attendant: Good evening ma'am, you have a merry Christmas.
Nana: Buzz off! (she knocks him to the ground)
Kowalski: Skipper, how are we going to get inside?
Rico: (grabs stick of dynamite and lights it) Kaboom, kaboom, ahahaha!
Skipper: (puts out the fuse) I've got a better idea.

Scene 3: Nana's Apartment

The penguins, disguised as a snowman, walk up to the attendant. They hand him a tip.

Attendant: That's gotta hurt. (sees the snowman) Very generous, sir. You have a merry Christmas.
Skipper: Hold that elevator!
Private: Skipper!
Skipper: (Gasps.) Private! Step on it, Kowalski!

Nana gets into the elevator. The penguins get to it, but too late, and hit the doors. They look around and see a mail duct.

Skipper: What goes down must go up.
Kowalski: Skipper. (he has dragged out a shop vacuum from the closet)
Skipper: Alright men, commence Operation Special Delivery.

Kowalski plugs in the vacuum and Rico turns it on in reverse. The penguins put on postage stamps and hop into the vacuum and ride up the mail duct to the top floor just as Nana is entering her apartment.

Skipper: Shittake mushrooms! No more Mister Cute and Cuddly.
Rico: (gets out the stick of dynamite) Kaboom, kaboom, KABOOM!
Skipper: Rico! Enough with the dynamite already!
Rico: Awww.
Nana: Why does Christmas have to be every year? There we go. Oh you'll make a nice Christmas present for my Mr. Chew. Oh, now Mr. Chew, you'll have to wait until morning to open your present, yes you do. Who is mommy's big boy, who is he?

Mr. Chew goes nuts, tearing up an Alex plush toy. As soon as he's done with that, he flies through the air to get to Private.

Private: Nice doggie, good doggie. Down good boy, down, down, don't eat me, don't eat me, leave me alone, ahhh!

The penguins crash through a window.

Skipper: Santa Claus has come to town!
Private: Oh, Skipper!

Mr. Chew yanks down the stocking, sending Private flying. He gets caught on the Christmas tree.

Private: Help me guys!
Skipper: Kowalski, secure the Private!
Kowalski: I'm on it.
Skipper: Roger pick, canine 2 o' clock!
Kowalski: I'm going to need some cover fire.
Skipper: Rico!

Rico steps on a candy bowl and swallows the candy. Skipper uses Rico like a gun, shooting out peppermint at Mr. Chew.

Skipper: Kowalski, status!
Kowalski: Almost there, Skipper.

The peppermint gun runs out of ammo. Mr. Chew runs back toward Skipper and Rico, who throw themselves on the tree. Mr. Chew grabs the lights to try to pull the tree down.

Skipper: Let him have it, Rico. (throws ornaments at Mr. Chew)

Mr. Chew lets go of the lights, sending Private flying into the kitchen. He walks out with a cooked chicken on his head.

Skipper: Holy butterball!
Private: Ah, guys! Don't eat me! Help!
Skipper: Kowalski, give me options!
Kowalski: (shows his idea) Skipper!
Skipper: Excellente! Engage Operation Stocking Stuffer!

Skipper slides down the ribbon with a candy cane. He drops to the floor and whistles to get Mr. Chew's attention. Skipper uses the candy cane to hop in the air, licks the candy cane and sticks it onto Mr. Chew's collar. Mr. Chew runs into a ribbon held tight by Rico and Kowalski. He goes flying, hits the Christmas tree and is catapulted into his stocking. Rico hops on his head.

Skipper: High five, low five, down low, too slow! I think our work here is done.

Rico is about to drop an anvil on Nana.

Skipper: Rico! She didn't see anything. (Rico puts the anvil down) Let's blow this popsicle stand, boys!
Rico: Kaboom?
Skipper: Yes, Rico, kaboom.

The door is blown up, and falls down. The penguins slide out.

Skipper: C'mon, boys.
Nana: (seeing the mess) Eh! What is all this? Mr. Chew, this is all your fault! Bad dog! (the Christmas tree falls over) You are on a big time out!

Scene 4: Back at the Penguin Habitat

The penguins are walking back to the zoo.
Private: Thanks for rescuing me, Skipper.
Skipper: Ain't nothing of it. It's the least we can do. You remember the Penguin Credo?
Private: What does deep frying in Bisquick have to do with any of this?
Skipper: Not that one, the other one! Never swim alone! Alone! On Christmas! Don't you get it? Come on people, do I have to explain this to everybody?
Private: Poor Ted, he's all alone on Christmas, with no one to swim with.
Skipper: It's not too late, young Private. I've got a new plan to figure...

The penguins and Ted are singing along to "Deck the Halls".

Ted: You guys! Seriously, this is the best Christmas I've ever had!
Skipper: Well, there you have it, Merry Christmas for everyone! (the doorbell rings) What the? Who could that be?
Ted: Oh, I hope you don't mind. I invited a few friends over.
Skipper: WHAT?!
Zoo Animals: (singing) Jingle Bells, monkey smells, Melman laid an egg/Marty thinks that Alex stinks/And the camels say "Oy Vey"!